Author: Gem Robis

In my prayer time, whenever I ask the Lord what will my future be? When I ask what should I do, should I plan for all the what ifs? He will leave me hanging. Total silence. Nothing; and it scares me. But then our Lord has His own ways to speak to me and reassure me that my desire to be a missionary is indeed planted by Him. He will show it to me through my everyday struggles. Through the little things in my everyday life that most often than not, I tend to overlook.

When I look back to my 2016, I am affirmed, that I survived it with God’s providence. I started it with my application for the mission volunteer program. I was full of doubt. Am I really being called? Can I really do it? Is there something I can offer? But I’m only a household head, a fairly new one, what experience with mission do I have? With the issues I had in 2015, am I even worthy to serve? Believing that there’s a reason why I’m asked to do so, I pushed through my application. I started to gain conviction when we were in Singapore for the SFC ICON. It was an overwhelming affirmation, seeing people literally from different countries worshipping and believing in the mission and vision of our community. I am reassured that this is the community I am called to serve and grow with.

Multiple times last year, and up to now, I was asked to do things I have no idea how. But having in mind and trusting that the Lord doesn’t set us up to fail, but rather has the habit to challenge us and push us until we increase our borders, I will always just go on and let Christ’s love guide me. And indeed He will orchestrate things to help me reach the finish line. The first half of the year was full of service, conferences, retreats and CLPs. I planned to reserve the latter part of the year for my exam preparation. However right after TNC, I was asked to serve as marketing and promotion head for Liveloud. I knew that if I say yes, it will overlap with my self-made review schedule. Also I was weighing everything, because I never served with promotion before. Nevertheless, I said yes. I was blessed with a counterpart and a team that I can rely on. With our everyday struggles of what to post and who will do the graphics, the videos; who will go to parishes to do announcements, the stress of finding time to study increases.

I was having doubts again. Should I move my exam to February? “Lord, don’t you want me to pass my exam so I can properly discern with what you want me to do? You know how much toll this exam has done to me over the past years, why won’t you let me finish this at least? Do you still want me to suffer?” But with encouragement from my parents and Ate Candy, I pushed through. I offered everything to Him. It was when I decided to take that leap of faith; I was amazed how everything just took place smoothly. Again, it was pointed out to me that even though it is good to plan ahead, God will always have the last say to what should and would happen.

My request for 2 weeks off from work so that I can focus on my studying was approved. It was approved 2 days before I start my vacation leave! Unbelievable!!! Marketing and promotion was a success. Amidst the countless emails and phone calls here and there; we were able to gather volunteers to help us out with the parishes and exceeded our expected number of people. And most of all, I passed the exam I’ve been dreading for a year. When I look back, it was unthinkable that it all worked out. But that is what the Lord wants us to be. He wants us believe in Him, even the impossible. That God will always provide.

Through reflection, I realized how focusing on the future gives advantage to the evil as compared on concentrating on the present and in eternity is to advantage of God. Another thing is, concentrating on the present actually benefits my future for the fact that I am focused on what is important now, I will be more prepared for whatever God throws on me in the future. This is in a way aligned with my discernment as a mission volunteer too. What will it do if I worry too much? Rather I should persevere in knowing and listening to what is it that the Lord is calling me to do. And trust that the future I am so anxious about will soon be the present that I can live with in God’s grace. As what Kevin said during our monthly MV teaching 2 weeks ago, “when the Lord talks about trust, he asks about NOW, not for tomorrow or next year.”

As a missionary, my task is to carry on Christ’s mission and His will. Our God lives in the eternal present, He is here now, with us. He is always here with us, and so same goes with mission, the need to carry out whatever God is asking me to do now. Not what He might ask me tomorrow, but rather focus on what is at hand. Maybe the reason why the Lord is always silent whenever I ask Him what my future holds is because He wants my decisions to base from what is present. Christ is teaching me to be patient and believe in His promises, that He never fails. Every time doubt creeps in, let my simple prayer be,

“Jesus I trust in You.”

“Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:11)

Edmonton just hosted our very first Liveloud concert a week ago. And with the help of the Holy Spirit, the event was a success!!!

My October and early November was just filled with Liveloud, mostly promotions related as it was my service. Let me start this journal by saying that promotion wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be.

I can still remember when our event heads, Niccolo and Kleah called me (separately) right after our MV shout asking if I would be willing to serve as the sister promotions and marketing head. Back in my mind I was contemplating if I will say yes or no; because I was planning to start studying for my licensure exam right after TNC and also for the fact that I haven’t served under promo ever. But I just brushed it off and said yes anyways, comforting myself with the thought that God won’t give me something I won’t be able to do.

After coming back in Edmonton and realizing how busy it will be, I honestly started to stress out. I realized how unskilled I am for this particular service. I am no artist at all, I just like taking photos and videos, but I am no YCOM or SCOM. Making graphics is not my strength either. All I can offer my counterpart during our first online meeting was to help with ideas and do the emails and talk to people. LOL.

It helped me a lot that my counterpart is very affirming and supportive, and I feel blessed to have a very chill and talented team as well. Our brainstorming was always fun, even our CCs for promo and marketing are all out in contacting parishes and clergies. In a way, my stress level only increases when I am working alone.

There were mishaps along the way, but what service doesn’t? It was crazy. Crazy but fun.

In the end, we were able to sell 1100 tickets. That feeling of seeing a lot of people outside of the community joining us during the concert was overwhelming. Priests worshipping with us, dancing and jumping with everyone, it was truly a sight to see. My heart was so full when the concert has ended. Seeing my fellow SFC brothers and sisters from other areas of Alberta driving 4-6 hours to Edmonton just to be with us, I felt the love that this community offers.

When we were all packing up, I found this peace deep in my heart, and heard God telling me to never doubt Him again. He reminded me of those nights when I was feeling incompetent, it was when I found the courage to start doing the graphics. Those days when parish priests are not allowing us to do announcements on Sunday masses, were the moment we thought of another promotion that helped us with our ticket sales. Those unexpected moments where we found ourselves in places where we didn’t really plan to be, but at the end of the night we were able to sell tickets. Those times I doubted if we will be able to use all the promo tickets given to us, ended up we needed more!

Those little miracles, God reminded me that He is always there. Ready to help us get up every time. He just wants us to initiate. Our Father just wants us to move, to enlarge our borders, to say yes, to take a step and start living boldly. To never doubt God whatever He handed something to me. To never question and say “why me”, how can I do it, am I equipped to do it.

Because if God called you, He will equip you.

“Furnish you with all that is good, that you may do his will. May he carry out in you what is pleasing to him through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever [and ever]. Amen.” Hebrews 13:21

 

Lately, I realized that my struggle with my service doesn’t come with the responsibilities or physical tasks the service requires. My recent struggles has been coming from the inside.

I didn’t realize when it started, it just hit me that I have been building walls around me. I have been too guarded and enclosed myself with towering walls. I am still friendly and approachable. I still don’t find it hard to make friends and to reach out for people. To understand them and to emphatize. I still see myself laughing with people around me.

But it has been getting worse. I have been selective of people who I talk to, who I share my thoughts with, who I hang out with; and it continuously gets worse, now even my friends will call me out and tell me why am I being so passive even with them.

I have to stop for awhile.
Check on myself.
Assess my heart.

And indeed, I have been distant. In the midst of laughing and asking people’s names, I will stop myself in investing too emotion or even try to build a deeper relationship with people around me.

Why? —I still can’t figure out why, maybe because of past hurts? I don’t know. All I know now is that I have to do something about it.

I cannot fully serve if my heart is restricted.
I love the Lord, yes. No doubt on that.
But as someone part of this community, it entails to have an open heart. To be able to connect and build relationships with people around you. To open up yourself so others will open up to you as well.
To be an effective evangelizer means to be good with building relationships

Here comes my realization that part of our mission is to be vulnerable. If I cannot open my heart to people I serve with, how can I open up and lift up my life to the Lord? How can I say that I entrust my life to Him, if merely getting to know people, building relationships and trusting them is hard to do?

Realizing this is the start, but having an open heart and being vulnerable to the Lord and to His mission is the goal.

---

With this please pray with me,

Lord, bless me with Your grace of humility and strength that will allow me to open up myself to people around me
Take away all doubts and fear that locks and enslaves my heart
Teach me Your ways Jesus
Teach me how You openly accepted all Your disciples
How You shared Your everyday life with people You just met on the streets
Bless me with a loving heart just like Yours
Teach me to be vulnerable and loving, so that I can share myself to others just as how You shared Yours to us
Guide my heart Lord, that I may pattern it to Yours as I partake in Your mission
Amen.

(November 3)

One of the realizations I had lately was that, the more I openly talk about the mission, the easier it gets for me to pray for my discernment.

I never really talked about or even discuss about it to people outside the community. Back in my mind, I always have the reason that people around me don’t need to know what I am doing, because they won’t even understand. There is also the fear to be judged or worse, unable to answer their questions or even live up to their expectations.

What a selfish reason.

It was only last week that I found the courage to talk about the community, what we do, what our vision is and about the program with my co-workers. And I was amazed how receptive and open they were about it. There was a feeling of relief and happiness inside me after, but I didn’t understand that time why. After a day or so, I was able to tell another person about the community and the program. And same reaction as the first time, she listened intently with an open mind. She asked me a bit about my faith, and I was more than happy to answer it.

My conversations with them made me realize that talking about the faith and sharing my experiences is already part of my mission. Sharing myself is already the mission itself. Because how can I even desire to be a missionary when I am afraid to talk about it openly. I used to tell myself that I will just let people see me, and hopefully see Christ in me. But it is not enough. 

Jesus didn’t evangelize and touch so many people just by living His life. He preached, He walked, He opened Himself to people.

I realized that I am not limited by people who come and seek for my help. As a missionary, I have to go and reach out to people, who in different circumstances might not even know that they need help.

To be open, to be fearless, to be humble.

Those are the things I have to do to be an effective evangelizer. To open my heart and myself even to people that might judge me or even question me. To be fearless to talk about my faith and the mission, and to do everything with humble heart. Because only when I lowered my pride and didn’t care what others might think, will be the only time I will able to do what I need to do.

With conviction I will proudly say, I am a person with purpose.
I am a Catholic.
I am called to mission.
I am a mission volunteer.
and
I am discerning to be a lay missionary.

“I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world.” – St. Teresa of Calcutta

“Do not fear beloved. Peace! Take courage and be strong.” When he spoke to me, I grew strong and said “Speak to me my Lord, for You have strengthened me” (Daniel 10:19)

Humble my heart, O Lord!
To accept things as they are, to not doubt nor question Your will
Soften my heart, O Lord
That I may let go of all anger deep in me
all the pride that consumes me
all the anxiety that makes me restless
Humble me, O God
that I may accept the justice I deserve
that I may accept all the things You have planned for me
Attune my heart with Yours O Lord
to be free and be the master of my own emotions
to love my neighbours the way You have loved me
to forgive others, O God the way you easily forgive all my sins
to have a heart as big as Yours, that never fails to give love to others, most especially those who needed them
Strengthen me Lord, that I may be able to follow Your will
Bless me with a servant’s heart, O Lord

with this I humbly pray, in Your name. Amen.

(July 14, 2016)

“Where is my purse?” This is the question a patient of mine keeps on asking every 3 minutes or so. She is around 80 years old, who recently fractured a bone and needed a surgery to fix it. She will tell you she doesn’t know where she is, but she can track time by looking on her wristwatch. She knows she has shoes somewhere but she doesn’t know if the bed facing her is hers. She will complain of her pain and will refuse to walk because of it. In the midst of everything happening around her and all her confusion, there is one thing that she will always ask. Where is her purse?

How attached are we with the material things we own?

When the time comes that I will be stripped away with everything I have, my sanity, my possessions, and my security. Will there be something left deep inside me? What will be that one thing that I will be searching for repeatedly?

I pray that when those moments of darkness comes, I will continue to rely to the Lord and not on other things that will keep me astray. I desire to have an unselfish heart that seeks something that will benefit others and not just myself. I dream of that day when I won’t be described by things I have or have accomplished but instead by how I interact with people around me, the relationships I’ve made and the faith I live by.

I know that dreaming; desiring and praying for it are not enough. It will take a lot of time for sure, but with little steps, it is still attainable.

Goal: To be known by what you truly are and not by things you have or titles you’ve achieved. To have a heart that seeks for the Lord, a heart that doesn’t rely from the mind.

#challengeaccepted

(July 7, 2016)

The gospel reading last Monday from Matthew 9:18-26, got me into reflection. When the official went to Jesus and told Him that his daughter just died, but still asked Jesus to come and save her, the official showed an immense faith. When the lady with hemorrhage for 12 years touched Jesus’ cloaked and believed that she will be healed, it was her faith that healed her.

In our daily life, how many times do we pray and ask for something yet still doubts if the Lord really understood us or if the Lord will actually answer our prayers? How many times do we even bargain with our Lord just to make sure that He will grant our requests? “Lord let me have this and that, and I promise I will do this and that,” sounds familiar? Sure do for me. I am guilty of doubting our Lord. I am guilty of being scared that what if our Lord will not hear my prayers? I am guilty of praying and even uttering “Your will be done, Lord” but still being fearful that I will still fail or I will be forsaken.

The reading reminded me that the miracles of Jesus always come with faith. It takes two to tango as what people say right? It takes 2 to make a relationship work. And it hit me; we are in a relationship with our Lord. It is not a one-way road where He is the only one reaching for us, and listening to our woes. Jesus requires us to trust Him, to believe Him, to have faith in Him before He answers our prayers. He wants to make sure that we are invested in this relationship as well. That we won’t abandon Him the moment we got our “requests” but instead, we stay and even use our answered prayers as an instrument to deepen our faith.

Our Lord is not a genie who will give us 3 wishes. We ask for His divine intervention, because we believe that our Lord is the architect of our lives. That He loves us and He would want only the best for us. That whatever happens is part of His greater plan for us. We lift up our prayers for we are mere human beings and we believe that He is the Lord our God, the creator of the universe and with Him nothing is impossible.

So every time we pray for something, claim it! Claim that Jesus will answer your prayers, not specifically right now, but in His own time. Have faith that He always hears you, and that He will never, ever abandon you.