Author: Fatima Nicolas

I portray this sarcastic personality around people because it’s very difficult for me to let my walls down, to trust and show vulnerability. Going through many unfortunate situations, especially at such a young age it just became easier for me to build this fence around me rather than to show my emotions. I felt like it was just a cycle, that if I let my guards down, I would get emotionally attacked.

The support of this community has told me otherwise. Yes, I’ve been in this community for almost my entire life – but it’s only been about three years since I’ve been continuously active and engaged in the community. Being a part of CFC-Y has taught me that whatever struggle I was going through, I wasn’t alone. That someone else might have gone through something similar, or possibly even worse. After every obstacle I happen to go through, I build this wall around my heart that will occasionally get thicker every time I feel hurt and pain. This caused me to be cold, unsympathetic of others towards me to the point where I no longer felt the pain but numbness. My heart was numb and so was my yearning for Christ, causing spiritual dryness.

I realized that the longer I’ve stayed in the community, the bigger the challenge of you stepping out of your bubble. The people in this community don’t notice how each and everyone can be such an amazing blessing – their stories and shares just became a sudden realization and also encouragement.

What has inspired me is that people have shared that in order to start the process of healing was that they continued to let their guards down, accept the pain and be broken so the Lord can enter their hearts, and heal them Himself.

Heal my heart and make it clean,
Open up my heart to the things unseen,
Show me how to love like you, have loved me.

Surely enough this community has time and time challenged me to step out of my comfort zone. Expose my vulnerability for all to see. And because my love for Christ has continued to immensely grow, I’ve learned to open my heart and tell myself that weakness is a sign on strength. That accepting Him to be above and beyond our problems is fluctuated against the numbness of my heart. Open the eyes of my heart Lord. To see You high and lifted up, shining in the light of your glory. Open up Your power and love, to see You. Open up the eyes of my heart, I want to see you. The power of sharing your story can manifest so much of Christ’s love and plans. It’s taught me that opening up to others can help strengthen other’s who are also afraid to profess their story. But He wants us to share, to proclaim His good name and show us what He’s capable of doing, because He is our Saviour.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. – Psalm 73:26

On Saturday I had the chance to visit the West Sector’s Kids for Christ JK and SK Camp. Since becoming KFC Area, I wanted to be able to visit the West sector any chance I can get just to familiarize myself with their core and CC’s since I never had the chance too when I was just East Sector for KFC, only time I would see them would be Area events and preps. After a very long trip, I arrived at St. Joseph’s school and went inside the venue. So many new faces; children, core and parents.. It definitely felt peculiar being somewhere I wasn’t used to.

At one point of the event, they asked me to join in on the song teachings with the ROCK leaders and KFCs. Let me tell you, what a walk down memory lane! I hesitated because I didn’t remember the actions to the new KFC songs.. But I had such a pleasant time teaching the songs and interacting with the other core and children and dancing, laughing… It seemed like it’s been ages since I’ve done this.

I forgot what it was like to be with the children during these event. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to just take the time to be with the KFC’s because I found myself stressing over the schedule and making sure the overall turn out of the event was, I guess, successful.

Becoming the East Sector, now the Area head for KFC, it was a given that we would be given more responsibilities in terms of running the actual event and making sure that it ran smoothly. But at the same time, after that one moment of being with the kids, I realized how easy it was to lose sight of the initial purpose of why I wanted to serve for Kids for Christ in the first place, and why I stayed despite the hardships.

KFC believes that to be able to build an attractive environment to the kids, the program should have the “ 4F ” principle:

Freedom
It allows, free but responsible expression. Activities respect the kids for who and what they are and who and what they can be.

I lost sight of the 4 F principles. I stressed myself out too much that it was no longer fun sometimes. I continuously remind myself that this stress is only temporary because the reward is always greater. That the Lord will provide. Which He did, because seeing these children experience the amazing joys that the KFC ministry provides was always something I was blessed to witness. But it wasn’t enough.

I forgot what it was like to interact with the children, to express my knowledge and faith to them and also the ability to express the freedom that KFC provided. I lost sight of being a kid at heart.

I was once just a member of KFC and I remembered seeing all my facilitators(my Ates and Kuyas) and having so much fun because they would spend time with me. Upon graduating KFC and joining CFC-Y then becoming a KFC leader, I experienced the joys of finally being with the kids, because of how amazing my experience in KFC was. Slowly I realized, that I no longer gave my time and service to the children but to the service itself.

Praise the Lord for this very affirming day at the JK/SK Camp. I couldn’t explain why but the realization of what exactly I’ve been missing was probably a factor as to why I couldn’t find myself of reaching full happiness and contentment. I had to remind myself that this point on, no matter how stressed or busy I can be, you are never too busy to serve The Lord – and being with the children is a huge portion of it.

Thank you, Lord!

About a year and a half ago, a brother was doing a closing worship and he shared about how he was into this harsh lifestyle of constant partying, getting into trouble, exposing himself into such a negative environment but he managed to turn away from it because he found happiness with The Lord, and that His plans was more than what he could offer himself. He shared that he found it in himself to leave that behind and continue serving The Lord because it was more gratifying than partying, premarital sex, drinking…

I just remembered looking at him and then picturing myself up there, but I couldn’t. I told myself “I pray that one day I can be as strong as him and stop myself from doing all of this. The partying, excessive drinking, getting into trouble, sour attitude. Can I be that person that yearns for The Lord?”

That lifestyle was like a drug, it’s like I needed it in order to achieve happiness. The superficial smile on my face would disappear within hours, then I would feel guilt, remorse, regret and shame. Then that cycle would just repeat itself through every event.

Every day is a new struggle.. But at the same time because I started getting busy with school and service, I found myself distracted from those temptations, and they somehow became tolerable but enjoyable (serving in Kids for Christ, children are far too adorable to not be amusing!). I tell myself that I want this happiness; genuine, long-lasting happiness and that in order for me to achieve this optimistic attitude is to adjust my lifestyle.

The Lord has always been by my side but during these moments it’s like I pushed Him far to the side to make room for the devil. This is where I had to retract that invitation so I can finally let The Lord in.

Psalms 37:4 – Delight yourself also in the Lord: and He shall give you the desires of your heart.

Reflecting back to that share the brother had opened up to the entire community inspired me so much. It’s made me realize that it isn’t impossible and change is inevitable. Change will happen once you put your heart and mind to it. Just when I thought I would never be that person I saw on stage, I look at myself now and realize that I’m one step closer to becoming closer to Christ. Just by opening the idea of changing has already made me a stronger person.

It’s a constant battle of temptation and I admit, I have fallen into them, sometimes I am lured so deep to the point where I’m pretty much the same person I was in the beginning. But because The Lord is so powerful and so determined to work through us, He never gave up. I am still here! His persistence and hard work into continuously breaking me and moulding me is what has truly inspired me to alter my livelihood for the sake of Him and His purpose for my life.

The happiness I gain from Him through serving this community, serving my family and living my life away from the negatives is what’s giving me that joy and contentment in my heart, that smile that will last more than through the night. His love for me will never fail to remind me of that.

AMDG.

My grandpa was a very humble man.

Continue reading Who is He to me?

In one if my classes, three major papers that were written were all group work papers. Today was our final class and my previous group had a chance to look at our last paper. On the title page, I saw that my name was circled. After my entire group had a turn to look over the paper and it’s corrections, I took it last and read through all the sections of my part to see where I went wrong. Besides the little citation issues and wording, my section was okay. So what did I do wrong?!

There’s something about me that when I feel something is out of place, I start getting nervous. So I stayed until the end of class to speak with my prof. I asked her “Miss, why is my name circled? Is everything okay?” And she looked at the paper, then back at me, unsure of why exactly she circled it. “Oh! I remember! Your name is circled because in your groups peer reviews, your name stood out in all of them in who helped out the most” I’m like “Oh… *blush*” Then she goes “Fatima did you realize your name was mentioned in all three group papers?” I told her I didn’t know .. And she said “But I’ve noticed in this paper, your individual mark suffered a little” which I agreed on. And she said “It’s okay to help out, but sometimes you need to be greedy too” I wasn’t sure where she was going but she continued “I mean, with your grades. It’s great to know that you’re very helpful but you need to focus on yourself too. It’s not a bad thing”

I was one to not necessarily put others before myself, but I am one to always offer help where needed. When she said that it’s okay to be greedy, in my head I said “No, it’s not..”

Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God. – Hebrew 13:16

Doing this mild gesture of simple acts of kindness, not just through papers but everywhere else is just a little piece of what I can give back to The Lord. Jesus helped just about anyone and everyone that he’s ever passed during his journey or whoever reached out to him and yet, he still remained humble. We continue to give with no expectation of receiving something because it shows that we are in a right state of heart and that it accords with the Lord’s nature. He continuously gives with no expectation but to remain faithful to Him.

The past few weeks have been pretty tough. I was faced with a decision that I wasn’t sure I was able to make alone, but at the same time I was almost terrified to open up to my parents about. This problem just kept growing and it came to the point where asking for prayers, going to mass, reflecting and just listening at Mass couldn’t help calm my nerves. I knew I had to tell my parents. But how?

I’ve been having financial issues and being at a young age, others would think that’s almost unlikely but well, it was. I was getting nervous as the school year was slowly ending because I knew my bills would just pile on, and my anxiety grew along with it. This week it came to a decision (after speaking with my professors, the dean, financial, a few close friends) that taking time off school to work was the only option. I was just so afraid to tell my parents about the situation I was in, and telling them that if I took the year off, they would take it the wrong way. My parents take great pride in me going to school, almost one year into finishing my undergrad only because out of my whole family here in Canada, I’m the only one in school. Here I am going crazy and keeping up with this expectation they have from me, it’s only understandable as to why I wouldn’t want to leave school, because it seems like I’m giving up and taking the easy way out.

So today, I was cooking lunch with my mom and she asked me “Oh how is your internship search?” Immediately my blood started rushing to my brain, shortness of breath and just looked at her saying *omg she knows*. I told her, “oh it’s okay.. But mom, it’s expensive and I still haven’t paid off my previous balance” and she asked me “How much is it?” And I told her.. Then she said “How are you going to pay that off?” I responded “Mom I really don’t know…” And I didn’t even catch myself but my mom was like “Wait, why are you crying, what’s wrong?” And I told her everything. Everything. From my financial situations to my decision to take a year off school.

She had a blank expression and there I knew… Omg, it’s over, I knew I shouldn’t have told her. She looked at me and said “Anak (my child), don’t worry, take a deep breathe and pray. Pray hard. Put all your worries to us and to God because we don’t want you worrying. Do not worry for there is a solution” and there I just stared at her..

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
– 1 Peter 5:7

The Lord often reminds us that our parents are there for us in times of trouble and in need, just as He is. Going back to what a brother shared during his talk “You can pray all you want, say the rosary as many times, but are you doing something above that to help your problem?”

At that moment I couldn’t help but smile but cry tears of joy because she knew exactly what to say to help me calm my heart and my nerves. All this act of independency grew into such a prideful attitude I completely abandoned my parents and seeking for their help. Although He made sure I wouldn’t ultimately turn away from my parents and He continuously pulled me back and reminded me that my parents are here for a reason, do not turn away from them.

     Being a young missionary, you would think that there’s only so much I can handle. And… you’re probably right! I’m 20 years old, going to school full time, working on-call, serving for the CFCY GTA full time and now, here I am, as a CFC-Youth MV. Oh, let’s not forget about devoting some time to my family and friends. I’m not finished school until 2015 and right now I’m working to not only to provide for myself – but my family as well, so how on earth am I really managing all these aspects in my life?

      Recently it’s becoming difficult in having to pick and choose between where I would go every weekend. Family party or service/event in CFC-Youth? And somehow, I stick to either a Kids for Christ event or CFC Youth event. My friends and CC’s in CFC-Youth are ecstatic at how active I’m becoming again here in the community… My family members on the other hand, are not impressed with how less time I’ve been spending with them lately. Besides my parents, my other relatives have very different values about their view on life and growing up. No matter how many times I’ll try to explain the livelihood of CFC-Youth, they still won’t understand the choices I make. For example, spending a lot of time serving, going to CFC-Youth events, not going out and partying with friends or the “oh, where is your boyfriend?! How come you don’t have one?”

Lately, my values and morals have shifted quite drastically and geared more so towards the Lord and what He intends for me. So yes, I do understand where they’re coming from, a year or two ago having that significant other was SO important to me, I never wanted to be alone and I wanted that feeling of being with someone. But now, I wish they understood that it’s not that I’m not “looking”, but I truly believe that God’s time is the right time.

     Serving the Lord full time has definitely opened my eyes. I’ve become so occupied with several different things; He wants me to be with Him. To focus on Him and what He has planned for me. In the past I’ve always tried to occupy myself with partying, going out, being in a relationship and it’s caused me to turn away from Him and I’ve noticed that it is not a part of His plan for me to be doing these.

Then I learned the gift of obedience.

“Through him and for his name’s sake, we received grace and apostleship to call people from among all the Gentiles to the obedience that comes from faith.” (Romans 1:5).

     I learned that by obeying His words and proclaiming it, we’re learning to exercise the obedience of faith. I’ve turned away from those temptations and serving Him helps me remain steadfast and faithful. Alongside serving, going to school to fulfill not only my dreams but to be able to provide for my family. These current aspects in my life are what continues me to be so driven with the Lord and His love.

     His constant reminder that His plans are far more greater than what I have planned for myself.