Author: Fatima Nicolas

These past few weeks I have been extremely distracted from my service and it hit me the hardest during this week. I was spiritually dry and I was physically and mentally exhausted.

This month I’ve been going through something, and it all came down to my health. The body pain I once had when I was 15, almost 6 years ago, slowly came back and that’s where I slowly started remembering the excruciating pain I once went through. I remember at that age, since it was all new to me, I was at my lowest.. physically and emotionally I was in pain and I locked myself in the darkness.

Which was exactly what I felt like doing these past couple weeks. Though I decided to put up a front, go out, serve the Lord and go on with my day. But inside I knew I wasn’t being completely honest with not only myself, but with the Lord. I felt Him reaching out to me and telling me “child, give your all to me and I will help you. I will carry you and I will strengthen you”, but I ignored Him. It then became difficult to keep going once I started noticing the difference in my actions, through my service within my family and this community. I wasn’t giving my all, in fact, I felt like I wasn’t giving anything.

Today I caught myself thinking about Vancouver and suddenly I felt excited about boarding a plane after 15 years. Then I thought about conference and how I’ll be serving for one of the biggest conference True North was about to have. All of a sudden I felt discouraged and negative thoughts arose. “How can I give my all during this conference and really experience Christ when I’m in this unaffirmative state?”

During mass I couldn’t help my mind from wandering, I just felt so flustered that I couldn’t physically and mentally attend the mass. Then came communion. Out of nowhere I felt the priest raised his volume 100x and I was wide awake, I stood up and rightfully responded. Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed. I went up to receive communion and when I kneeled, I felt Him beside me. The song came on,

“Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

I am strength for all the despairing
Healing for the ones who dwell in shame
All the blind will see, the lame will all run free
And all will know My name”

I found myself in tears while I’m kneeling, feeling so vulnerable because I felt like He sang the song to me. While reflecting I couldn’t help but realize that I’ve hurt Him because I didn’t have faith and instead of turning to Him, I turned away. I hid this hindrance not only from Him but from everyone because I didn’t want to burden anyone. I wanted to hide, under my shell, in the darkness.

But despite the physical pain, the emotional and spiritual strain, the Lord still calls me. But be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you. (1 Samuel 12:24)

Surely enough I was affirmed by the Lord, Himself! I couldn’t help but feel a sense of relief at the end of Mass. The feeling of doubt, hopelessness and unavailing attention toward my service to the Church, the community and to my family was slowly lifted.  I was blinded by the physical pain that I let it get to the best of me. I was reminded that although I felt myself giving up each day, the Lord continued to walk with me and shared the pain I was feeling. The Lord in whole was attentive and will always be there.

The Lord made it exceptionally clear as to why He’s moved me forward but there are times I turn around and just reminisce. This is where I lose focus, and start to feel the anxiety and somewhat pain I went through in the past.

Don’t you just feel that sometimes you just have unfinished business with someone else. And although we’ve learned to be the bigger person and let it go, you can’t help but think of what exactly would happened if you did reach out for that “closure”? We no longer feel like the bigger person.

I found myself holding a grudge, that although I told myself I was over it, I was still hurting. I couldn’t admit to myself that they hurt me and because I pushed it so far behind me, I still face the consequences today by burdening myself.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).

Christ does not fail to show how deeply He loves me whether or not I reach out to Him in such difficult times. My heart becomes so fragile when I turn back to this situation because this person just meant so much to me. They also fail to recognize that what they’ve done also hurt me a lot. But Christ also reminds us that in order to really be free from any hurt is to truly forgive the person of all wrong doing. This will also help you move forward with Christ.

Dear God, help me to realize that people will be people, and that fallen people, even those I trust, will sometimes hurt me. Cast away the burdens I’m facing because I know they are not a part of Your will. Right now I do not understand Your ways but strengthen me to accept Your will. Grant me the grace right now to let go of my hurt. I entrust this situation to you. I thank You that I am in good hands. You are the God of truth. Keep me pressing forward. In Jesus Name, Amen.

The past couple of weeks have been a little difficult.. My mom was ill, and she kept having to visit the doctors because she wasn’t sure what was going on. And if you know me, dealing with illness with family or friends was never my strong suit. We were also prepping and handling my niece’s Baptism at the time, and time was just going by so fast. Amongst the other things going on as well, I just wanted some time alone and breathe.

Whenever I’m put into a situation where I have to face family illnesses, or I go through “stress-overload”, my mind suddenly goes into a dark place just to avoid any emotional toll I’m about to go through. I tend to be an emotional person at times. But during the closing worship of yesterday’s Leaders League these particular words stood out to me,

Now Christ is the strength of a heart that once set in the dark.
In His hope I’m made whole, now His freedom that saves me soul.

Through prayer, through reading the Bible, I was having such a hard time just listening and seeking guidance these past couple of days. But during that worship The Lord basically shouted to me that “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life (John 8:12).

Lord, thank You.

Some days I find myself looking back at the friendships I’ve had with some people, and although they say “cherish the memories”, I always wondered why the best friends I had back then are not even acquaintances to me today. It’s quite heartbreaking when I think about it.

Growing up I’ve learned to separate my emotions from reality (if that makes any sense). In other words, as years went by, “losing” friends no longer meant anything to me.. So I react the best way I know how, to stay quiet. But during those times where I draw a blank face, I get quite angry. Angry because I thought that God was looking out for me.. But why is He taking away these people in my life whom I thought had so much importance to me?

Funny enough, the Lord kindly reminded me of His plans as I opened my Bible this morning..

But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus – Philippians 4:19

I may have lost numerous friends the past couple years, but what I fail to remind myself is that God’s plans are far more important and He wants to succeed in doing so, nothing will stop Him. Even if it means that my friendship count drops from 10 to 1.

“Find people that will only help you move forward, not backwards. Or in my case, help me move closer to Christ and not away from Him.

Lord, thank you for reminding me that there are better things in life than artificial/materialistic needs. Thank you for reminding me that friendships does not have to come at any cost, as long as our friendship surrounds You. Please continue to guide and support me in making the right decisions in making and keeping friends that lead by example. Away from temptations and away from tantalization. Amen

Yesterday we had our first official Kids Village planning for our KFC Conference (Kids Village) for GTA & Hamilton. To finally see the progress start and put to work was a little overwhelming. Being this Kids Village my first time ever leading and coordinating it.. I didn’t take in until that very moment on how much work we have to do in order to make this conference a successful one.

But then I was reminded, I was blessed with such an amazing team. A very hardworking, supportive and loving core. From the CFCYs to the CCs in our service team, I truly believe The Lord put every single one of us together because He knows our love for KFC as one will outshine the work we’re about to tackle the next three months. I was also reminded by our Area CC Tito Mel on how all of this wouldn’t even be possible without our God. We could be doing so many other things but we’re here devoting our time because we love Him so much, enough to serve these children in Kids for Christ.

I simply cannot waaaait for the next few months and the actual Kids Village! All our hard work, strength and passion (tears and blood.. kidding) will be poured into this Kids Village because we’re bringing back many things we haven’t done in a couple years.

Lord, I can’t thank you enough for granting me this opportunity to be able to serve Kids for Christ. For moulding my heart to be so calm, patient and so passionate towards children only so we can continue to help mould them to be Christ-like leaders of tomorrow. Please continue to guide us as we continue to plan and implement our ideas for this upcoming Beloved Kids Village! All for You, Lord! I surrender my plans before You. See if there is any corrupt way within me. And lead me in the everlasting way. For Your Kingdom and Glory. Amen.

This past week I’ve attended my first SHouT and I’m glad it was the MV SHouT 2014! This experience has truly opened up new windows for me. I’ve become close to these brothers and sisters whom I have been blessed to share this exciting new journey as a missionary in the community with. But it’s also made me know more about myself and what The Lord has planned for me and my call. He has rekindled the small fire in my heart and ignited it over the roof and crossed boundaries I have always been afraid to reach out too.

I’ve always been fearful, I was afraid of change, afraid of the future and afraid of getting hurt. Truly enough, shortly after deciding to finally apply to become a Mission Volunteer, my anxiety built up and new questions rose… “What if I get too busy trying to balance MV with what I have now?” or minuscule things like service, family, work troubles… I constantly question exactly why The Lord chooses to put me in these certain situations when He knows I’ll be uncomfortable in them. Which is exactly why He did them in the first place, and will continue to do it because He loves me so much. He does this so when I fall, I fall into His hands and there He will strengthen me. No matter how much you weigh the problems you have, it is nothing compared to what The Lord can ultimately do for you. God in Your grace now, oh I will do the same, to be as fearless, to stand and to proclaim.”

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
– 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

Lord I do not give you enough credit for helping me overcome my struggles and I also do not acknowledge the good in them. These struggles only made me strive to feed onto the spiritual deprivation I’ve been missing, and that is of You.

“For I know the plans I have for you” declared The Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” – Jeremiah 29: 11-13

We often misjudge of what it’s like to be a member of this community. Other’s also feel that sometimes, being a CFC-Y has so many limitations and restriction that it’s hard to “freely” act, live and choose.

Have you faced a situation where your values and attitude shifts when you’re not in a community event/around other brothers and sisters? I’m guilty for that… I felt like a different person with the people I surrounded myself with through high school and first year of university.. But then, I would use the community as a form of escape from “reality“. Why does being a member of CFC-Youth have to be so difficult and so constraint?

What I’ve learned is that being a CFC-Y, you’ve committed yourself to something bigger, something greater and something long-lasting. I may not be perfect and it may take time to turn away to temptation. But it only came to the realization that I’ve said no to multiple things only so I can say yes to the Lord because I believe that the “yes” I’ve committed too will give my heart the satisfaction it yearns and because I love the Lord enough to willingly say no.

But I also learned that our love for Christ shouldn’t be limited within the walls of this community. I mean why should it be right? As a member of CFC-Youth, I’ve figured our love for Christ is evident but why should that love be restricted only while we’re only surrounded by other members of CFC-Y. If anything, my love stemmed from this community and this community is the water that has helped my love for Christ grow beyond what I have ever imagined.

If our love for Christ is so true and we believe that what He has planned for us is something beyond our greatest endeavours, then a simple way of giving back is to freely live, act and choose as He does, the way He would want us too. Once we’ve made that decision to surrender to Christ and have faith in that yes is when we can live as free as our hearts desires. His love has no boundaries, because if it weren’t FOR Him, we wouldn’t even be here. So why abuse that privilege?

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God. who loved me and gave himself for me – Galatians 2:20