Carrying our crosses isn’t always the easiest thing to do. I sometimes find myself crawling on the ground, holding up my cross on my back with splinters, wounds, and scrapes, barely making my way through. No matter what the ordeal, my cross will always be my cross, and sometimes, it literally feels as if I’m pushing myself, pressed less than an inch before falling to the ground. I don’t know if it’s Shaun T’s voice stuck in my head from the days I used to work out with Insanity, or if it really is something inside of me saying, “Dig deeper! Dig deeper!” This Lent, I think that’s exactly what God pushed me to do.

Honestly speaking, I’ve had a long track of being the type to put things aside because they were too hard (if I wasn’t already running away from them). If I wasn’t running away, it was always because I was afraid of facing the truth. And if it wasn’t either of the two, it was because I didn’t want others to catch the insecurities I had carried with me so I would make excuses – for myself and for others. And although I’ve learned to pull away from this mindset and lifestyle, I haven’t done so completely. As I have mentioned earlier, there are times where I want to just lay down my cross and stop, and then the voice – once again – says, “DIG DEEPER! DIG DEEPER!!!” (I blame Shaun T… haha). I’ve even found myself battling this voice out, saying…

“What do You want me to do, Lord?? I’m not Your Son… I can’t carry the cross… I can’t do miracles the way Your Son did! I’M JUST A NORMAL, HUMAN BEING…”

Honestly, I don’t know why I don’t listen to myself sometimes… I’ve always said and always heard, “Be careful with what you ask for from the Lord,” and as soon as I asked this, the Lord revealed truth to me…

1. “You are not ‘The Son’ but you are still My child.”
2. “You can’t do miracles because you ARE My miracle. In you, I’ve breathed in My Life. Your very existence is a miracle and testimony to my love.”
3. “My Son is not the only one that carried the cross… Man did so, alongside him.”

SIMON OF CYRENE.
He carried the cross with Jesus. It was the same road, same cross, surrounded by the same crowd filled with ridicule, and he carried the cross in silence. He did it until he reached the destination of our Lord’s crucifixion. He supported Jesus when he fell. He bore the weight of the cross to journey with Christ. He did it with Christ. And it all began with one gaze.

There was no need for words. With one gaze in the Son’s eyes, he knew that the weight of the cross was incomparable to the love he held beyond what was being seen from afar. The suffering and the love in Christ’s passion ‘dug deeper’ than what the heart could understand. It goes beyond its beat and above it feat. It is something man could only endure and understand with Christ. It was not just Jesus that carried this cross, but also a “NORMAL HUMAN BEING.” The journey is not just divine and is not just human.

The journey of carrying the cross was human suffering made divine with Christ.

Simon was living proof that as a ‘normal human being’ the suffering and salvation of the cross is possible. But in the same way he did not freely choose and volunteer to carry the cross, when it is given to us, we must first look at the feat that lies ahead in the gaze of our Father’s eyes. It is only then that what is ‘earthly’ and what is ‘human’ can be made divine. It is a journey we can only LIVE (not endure) WITH CHRIST. As Jesus carried the cross, he suffered and trusted in silence. He did not seek to be recognized. He did not seek to be praised. He did not seek anything but the love of His Father in us.

“Silence is  the golden language of God.”

Oftentimes overlooked, this is what I understood this Lent through Simon. So I use a childhood phrase (and game) “Simon says.” What he showed us was the mystery and the feasibility of the cross and how to find true beauty behind it all. But, he said it in silence. So I challenged myself in this childhood game: Simon says if you can’t “do it like Jesus,” do it like Simon; whether it was the Son or the son (or daughter), you are a child of God so your crosses will always lead you to Him.

Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us.

Amen.

Cleaning. I wasn’t too fond of that word before, but as I grew, I became quite fond of it. I started cleaning more in the house, cleaning in other peoples’ houses, and even cleaning the place around me. I even recall a recent moment with my good friend, Ellen, where we sat at a gazebo area in Milton, to witness to a drunk person throwing his beer cans in the bushes by the pond after being filled with frustration that the stranger he approached did not want to drink with him.

It literally felt like we were on a legit mission, staking out whether or not the drunk man had left. And when the coast was clear, we headed for her car to grab some plastic bags. We began to pick up the beer cans that the man had thrown away, and then a few beer cans became a few pieces of garbage, and next thing you know, we were cleaning the whole gazebo and pond area!

Spring cleaning doesn’t have to stay in the home. It can reach out to everything around us. But I think as this late spring approaches, God is calling me to really clean up the cracks and crevices of my heart. It’s the inner home He is calling me to.

Spring is when the flowers begin to bloom,
and life sprouts from the ground and flies in the air,
and it nestles in the trees,
bringing itself to our homes.

LIFE is a part of this ‘spring cleaning’ I have been coming to know.

In an SFC event called, ‘Princess Diaries’, they had stated that we are like gardens. But I have allowed a few weeds spread here and there. I’ve cut them off, but I haven’t dug them out from the roots. Quite honestly, there have been so many things that a long while back, God had to strip all the grass off and plant a completely new garden and He is tilling the soil. He’s helping me dig out the weeds that have grown in dry soil and He feeds me with the water of the Holy Spirit, purifying my heart as I await the bloom of spring.

The real bloom is that of which is done with patience and grows on moist and fertile ground.

The heart is a mystery.

Its strength, derived from its simple beats that pump the blood throughout the body to make it function to the blood pumping to our brains to allow our minds to think. Sometimes, even a little too much. And in the mechanical ways our bodies function, we are able to celebrate in happiness, jump in rejoice, walk with confidence, breathe with life, and laugh in joy, along with so much more!

Its weaknesses, derived from the endless, swaying emotions of the human heart, causing heartbreak, anxiety, pains in which often times, we want to leave untouched and unnoticed allow us to experience brokenness and sorrow.

But have we ever thought about how strengths and weaknesses come together? In the same ways my heart allows me to rejoice and at times feel sorrow, in the Lord, I find myself standing in the middle where strengths and weaknesses comes together…

When I am weak and broken, I just want to crawl into my bed and curdle in comfort, but above my comfort…above my own embrace, our Father cradles me in an embrace that I have yet to discover completely. And slowly, the pain and tears stop and what I begin to feel is Warmth as my companion.

When I am hurt and want to give up, falling down on my knees in complete submission, our Father turns my submission away from nothingness, which seemingly begins to feel empty… and in my tears and hopelessness, I suddenly find myself, falling on my knees in an internal worship and living adoration.

When I’m in pain and my head begins to feel like an overloaded express of different alleyways and VIA rails with endless and unknown destinations, the Lord takes over as the Conductor and simplifies the complexities, leading them all towards one destination… The Heart. His Sacred Heart.

Throughout this weekend, I’ve found myself being challenged with my heart. How can I trust? How can I have hope? How do I do this when I can’t help, but carry a deep sorrow? The answers came one by one.

1. “The spiritual equivalent of sorrow is peace. And in peace, there are no emotions – there is FAITH.” (Tito Mike Almojuela)

2. “If the heart is SINCERE, feelings of emptiness and dryness will be refreshed.” (Ricardo Canlas)

3. “Tears are prayers of the soul; it washes away the mud of the heart.” (Ricardo Canlas)

4. “Suffering means God is trying to make adjustments.” (Ricardo Canlas)

In all honesty, the heart cannot be explained in one blog post/ reflection. Allowing every part of our beings to function, there is much to be written about it. But what I have come to know is this: above all things, the heart allows us to live. And in living, something is in the works; God is in the works, and in my weaknesses, He is adjusting a Perfect Fit in all of my being. If I can’t bring myself to open my heart and trust, the only one I can trust with no hesitation is God. And in this trust, I can take comfort that He is taking care of me. I have nothing to fear.

God is PERFECT.
God is Love.
And perfect love casts out all fear.

The heart is beautiful.
In its functions, I am simply able to BE.
TO BE is beautiful as much as it is beautiful to be honest and sincere and persevere.
In sincerity, emptiness and dryness is cast out and as a result, there is peace.
PEACE is beautiful… and PEACE IS WHERE I WANT TO BUILD MY HOME, FULL of LOVE.

“I give thanks to God always for you because of the grace of God which was given you in Christ Jesus, that in every way you were enriched in him with all speech and all knowledge — even as the testimony to Christ was confirmed among you — so that you are not lacking in any spiritual gift, as you wait for the revealing of our Lord Jesus Christ; who will sustain you to the end, guiltless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.”
(1 Corinthians 1: 4-9)

ALL OF THIS… IT ALL COMES FROM THE HEART, LEADING US TO FAITH.

If home is where the heart is, then I want to rest my heart in His Sacred Heart, where sorrow meets peace, and compassion sows love.

“Sacred Heart of Jesus and Immaculate Heart of Mary, I consecrate my entire self to the Most Holy Love of  Your Two Hearts. I wish to make reparation for all the sins of the world, including my own. I offer these things for the love of the hearts of Jesus and Mary.

I will keep my mind on beauty and turn my thoughts from evil things. I will hold my temper and bear the mistakes of others with love and a forgiving heart. I will admit when I am wrong and ask others to forgive me. I will not show off, but remain humble. I will offer up all my sufferings, sickness and hurts. I will seek God’s Will, not my own. I will show appreciation for the kindness, the blessings that I receive, and thank God for all things. I will do everything in my life for love of God. And, I will love others, as God has loved me.

O Sacred Heart of Jesus, through the intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, receive the offering and consecration I now make of myself to You. Keep me faithful unto death. Bring me one day to the happy home in heaven. I desire to live forever with God the Father and the Most Holy Spirit and You my Jesus, together with Your Most Immaculate Mother. AMEN.”

I once heard someone say, “100 days of happiness is dumb…” It was in the context that there should be more than just 100 days of happiness and more than one thing to be happy about. But in fact, I disagree with the statement that it’s dumb. Some people have been accustomed to be unable to easily pick out one piece of happiness every day. So in fact, this challenge is quite heart-warming…

In the world we live in, everyone is always “on the go.” Even when people aren’t really busy, they make themselves busy because the reality now is that BUSY IS COMFORTABLE. It’s true. I, among many others, used to think the busier one is, the more successful, accomplished and competent it makes them. But what is the value of this competence and so-called ‘success’ if it only brings a temporary moment of pleasure in the simple claim of a title? When this temporary pleasure passes, we begin to work like drones again with perplexed looks on our faces and anxiety written all over our mind. And then life becomes a roller coaster… an endless ride of ups and downs. I feel as though I live in a world where we chase temporary pleasures, which is why I think this “#100daysofhappiness” challenge is actually as smart move for humanity.

Yes, it is ONE thing every day. But it is always something diffferent. And it brings back memories and emotions of happiness that many hold very dear and have boxed up in a keepsake box that is never opened again, OR some sort of happiness that we have taken for granted. This challenge allows us to open our hearts once again and TREASURE one thing at a time instead of glossing over the value of happiness something or someone brings. It allows us to use our hearts once again and surf above the tide of being too intellectually set; it allows us to open ourselves to simple happiness and correspondingly, LOVE.

According to statistics and research, it takes 21 days to break and/or make a habit.

In participating in this challenge, we are allowing an old habit of putting treasure and value back into happiness every single day. In this challenge, we are pulling ourselves away from a HUGE Velcro of false pleasures, and in turn, making ourselves busy in the different ways of love… for ourselves, for one another, and for Life! It’s not easy, but it begins with Day 1.

100 days of happiness? It’s not a challenge. It isn’t a lame fad. It is far from dumb. It’s the beginning of a beautiful lifestyle!

As the canonizations of Pope John XXII and Pope John Paul II approach, I find myself recently reminded of their lives – specifically Pope John Paul II. He always pushed himself to give to the people among many other popes, but what tugs on my heartstrings is when he continued to do so even when he became really sick. He could hardly physically move and he could hardy talk, but he still loved His people beyond his own capabilities.

With many critics lashing out about his so-called ‘incapability,’ they started saying things like, “He is no longer pope,” just because he couldn’t physically do anything. But in fact, I believe that this is when he shined even more! In the words of St. Francis Assisi…

“Preach the gospel. If necessary, use words.”

And this is what he did. He continued to preach through his actions. In the efforts he made to reach out to us, appearing before us (even in the state of illness), he showed us the greatness of his love for God and His people. He never stopped praying. He never stopped preaching.

The language of the world is love so in his silence, the world felt love, and in this language, even reaching out to those outside the Church, he made God’s love universal.

Silence is golden.

This is one of the great examples we can follow in our journey. When we feel ill or weak, PUSH ONWARDS! GO ABOVE & BEYOND because it’s worth it to love!

Like Pope John Paul II, we can bring forth a “GOLDEN TREASURE” in the silence of our words through the voices of our actions. With God, we are never limited.

Taking it back to the BeeGees! How deep is your love???

Love. I’ve been in this constant “mantra” of trying to be more loving every day. A brother once told me that a good way to do this is to go back to this:

“Love is patient and kind;
love is not jealous or boastful;
it is not arrogant or rude.
Love does not insist on its own way;
it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice at wrong,
but rejoices in the right.
Love bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.”

(1 Corinthians 13: 4–7)

He told me to replace the word, LOVE, with my own name. And the day I can say this passage using my name each time it says LOVE, then that’s when I know I can truly 100% wholeheartedly love. SO… here I am, thinking this is already hard enough to do, until I read the Gospel on Friday…

“‘and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.‘ The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
(Mark 12: 30-31)

I thought loving required simply being able to just say 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 with my name, but NO. It isn’t just that. After reading this gospel, I knew that there is a greater call to Love…

If we are all children of the Lord, then we all carry a piece of Him. So to love God is to love ourselves too. But in saying this, to love God is to love all those around us as they too, are from the same Father. But as for me… to love is being able to say, 

Erin is patient and kind;
Erin is not jealous or boastful;
Erin is not arrogant or rude.
Erin does not insist on its own way;
Erin is not irritable or resentful;
Erin does not rejoice at wrong,
but rejoices in the right.
Erin bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.

PLUS I must say it in regards to not only my heart, but ALL MY MIND, ALL MY SOUL, and ALL MY STRENGTH, meaning my thoughts and ALL OF ME – not just my actions – must reflect this… through my thoughts, my words, my actions, and my being…

THEN I can say I know how to love.

I am NOT perfect. In fact, I am far from it. But what I can do is open myself up to His WORD to constantly allow Him to reveal Himself to me, the same way He has with LOVE… one step at a time… WHY? Because my journey with the Lord is a simple slow dance. It is not too fast, it is far from complicated. But it is SIMPLE. And He guides me gently in His arms all throughout. In all my daily trials and tribulations, He awakens me every time with one question…

“My child, how deep is your love?“

“How Deep Is Your Love”

I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again

And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave
And it’s me you need to show
How Deep Is Your Love

How deep is your love, How deep is your love
I really need to learn
‘Cause we’re living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to You and me

I believe in You
You know the door to my very soul
You’re the light in my deepest darkest hour
You’re my Savior when I fall
“You may not think
I care for you
When you know down inside
That I really do
And it’s me you need to show
How Deep Is Your Love”

Come Holy Spirit, fill Thy servant as You will,
Amen.

Last minute-ness in service has had its tendency to pull some strings in me at times… But when I look back to the past year, I can’t help but feel amazed at how the Lord has provided…