Author: Erin Gonzalez

I stared out from the balcony of the place that I was staying at in Batangas, Philippines, searching the sky for stars. I searched deeper and waited, expecting that since we were out in the province in Philippines, I would be able to see a full sky of stars. To my disappointment, I could see none. So I decided to stare out and further into the night sky. At first, I couldn’t see anything, but as a waited longer, I began to see a tree at a distance. Then the image began to expand and I was beginning to see the other trees surrounding it. And as I waited longer, I caught sight of a lightning flash, which then outlined the silhouette of the treeline surrounding me. It was as if Someone had been painting a masterpiece on a special kind of canvas. I admired this for quite some time and then left to go swimming in an outdoor pool with my cousins. As I laid afloat on my back, staring into the night sky, little by little, the stars began to reveal themselves. Then, I realized that at that moment, I had found what I had been searching for – to simply see the sky full of stars. It just didn’t happen when I expected it to.

Our faith journeys are often like this. We search and pray for something specific, only to find ourselves feeling like we’ve received a different answer or result from what we had expected. Yet, who are we to say that what we receive isn’t the perfect answer? Or who are we to believe so strongly that the answer must come now? In the same way I searched for the stars, standing with such conviction that I would 100% see them because of where I was, there are times where the setting of things in our lives will lead us to stand too confidently that the result will be a certain way. But in the same way I was proven wrong, we will also be proven wrong in those moments. However, it is not to say that what we expected or sought after is ‘wrong’; it might simply mean that there is something better.

If I gave up and walked back inside after not seeing the stars, would I have seen the way the trees drew out in the dark? Would I have been able to see the rare silhouette of the surrounding tree lines? I had to be patient in waiting, and quick to catch the glimpse of light in a specific moment. This is the same attitude we are called to carry in faith… Despite of the unexpected answers or ‘disappointing’ moments, we must never let our guard down and always be attentive to the glimpses of light His Spirit reveals to see the greater beauty of the things He has already set before us. We must be brave to be strong in the way of the Lord and not of the human heart alone.

“At this also my heart trembles,
and leaps out of its place.
Hearken to the thunder of his voice
and the rumbling that comes from his mouth.
Under the whole heaven he lets it go,
and his lightning to the corners of the earth.
After it his voice roars;
he thunders with his majestic voice
and he does not restrain the lightnings when his voice is heard. 
God thunders wondrously with his voice;
he does great things which we cannot comprehend.”
(Job 37: 1-5)

Some things just aren’t meant to be understood. Some things are only meant to be for the Lord to know, alone. And there are some things, like that stars I searched for, that may be beautiful and good and will be revealed by Him in our lives… in His time. So in the meantime, we must find beauty in what is there. We must find beauty and rejoice in the wonders that God has already placed in our lives. Who knows, the answer might be something we have already been looking at or something we have had from the very beginning. What I do know is that everything has already been placed by God in this world. What we await is the moment He chooses to reveal them to us, and we can never see it unless we keep an open heart and an open ear to His voice… His leading.

So in this, I have one prayer…

Lord, may we be blessed always, by Your grace to be brave to open our hearts to what is already good and already beautiful in our lives. May we be generous in love with one another to never take what and who we have in our lives for granted. For all we know, while we ask and seek for ‘greater’ things, what we already have is an answered prayer. Regardless, may we always be grateful and thankful for all the small and grand things You have given us for as far as we know, what we may already have is something others are seeking. So I pray that we will be able to always wait patiently and to also wait with gratefulness and see that we are always blessed, right where we are.

Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us!
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!

Amen.

This weekend has been something I had been looking forward to. I was taking a camping trip with a close family friend for her birthday, and I was hoping that being so far away, I would be able to kind of find that “escape” from the busy-ness of everything and really, truly, find God in nature once more, in a similar way I did in the provinces of Philippines… The weekend went by, and needless to say, I was away from the city, but I still felt the hustle and bustle of everything as I pitched the tents, cooked meals, cleaned, helped plan the itineraries, etc. But as I’ve always experienced, the Lord never fails to provide, often times in ways I don’t expect.

To be honest, with the recent expectations I have been facing, it hasn’t been easy trying to figure out which new things should be prioritized more. Service has been tested in all areas of my life (i.e. family, CFC Youth, SFC, friendships, household relationships, prayer time, myself and my health, etc.) Often times, I had felt the 50/50 feeling when choosing between the different ways I am called to serve. CFC Youth or SFC; the CFC Community V.S. family; friendships V.S. fellowships; community service or time to let myself rest, etc. And sometimes, the answer is so clear, but the circumstances make it so hard for me to say yes to one and/or no to another. So this trip over the weekend, although planned about 3 months ago, happened to be something that came just in time.

Looking for this “relaxation,” I was surprised to find that God had already chosen to give me what I had been praying for. It just wasn’t in my camping trip to Tobermory. It was at the very end, after we had unloaded all vehicles, cleaned any dirty dishes, cooked dinner, and finally, when we entered Merciful Redeemer Parish for Holy Mass. When I walked in, I noticed that the priest, Father Vid, was standing there with his vestments, but they were red. Being so caught up in what I felt like I needed, I had shortly forgotten that today was the Pentecost.

In the homily, there was one small thing Father Vid said (and he said it in this way due to the slight slang in his language), but it really spoke loudly to me:

“We need Holy Spirit.”

But as soon as I heard him say it, and understanding exactly what he meant, my heart beat to a different understanding of Father Vid’s words…

We need WHOLLY, Spirit.

WE. It is not a judgement to put upon others. It is a call to a desire that is called for everyone. None of us, especially ourselves, are exempt from sin. “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” (John 8: 7) His call is one that is and will always be unifying!

NEED. I need the Holy Spirit. The Lord was humorous in reminding me this on the day our Church celebrates the Pentecost. As he said this, a little girl caught my attention as she walked by me. She was a special child of about 12 years of age. Upon entering the church, the first thing she did was kneel down in front of the painting of Our Lady of Perpetual Help as if it was something natural to her. She needed God… she needed Him through the intercession of Mama Mary… and her heart, despite of her weaknesses, had this ‘need’ etched right in the center of her desires.

WHOLLY. It is a need that needs to be COMPLETE. This desire cannot be a temperamental desire. It cannot even be a cloudy desire. It must be a convicted and clear desire for a specific leading. It must be a desire that cannot be moved by belief, but by faith. The little girl, upon the consecration of the Eucharist, did not just kneel and slightly bow her head, but she knelt down in prostration, completely submitting to our Lord at the altar. As she stood up, waiting for her turn to line up, she kept hugging her dad in excitement knowing that in a few moments, she would be receiving Him through the Holy Eucharist. With this little girl near me, I could not see a child; I could only see Our Mother with a childlike faith and excitement to meet Him, Whom she loves. This little girl was not just special because of her condition, but because in her weakness, she can feel the Spirit; not only in holiness, but in WHOLENESS.

SPIRIT. It is recognizing that in any given case or situation, it is the HOLY SPIRIT we need; it is God’s Spirit. The little girl naturally desired the Lord. She DESIRABLY, JOYFULLY, and CONSTANTLY seeks Him out, even more deeply in Holy Mass. It was the FIRST TIME I had ever witnessed to anyone carry that posture upon receiving the Holy Eucharist at Holy Mass. Yet, it was just what I needed. THAT WAS MY MOMENT OF RELAXATION.

To truly be relaxed has nothing to do with where I am or who I’m with. It has to do with the state of my heart. And how much more could the Lord remind me of how much I need Him and the COMPLETE guidance of His Spirit than on the day we celebrate the Pentecost?

I AM BLESSED because He continues to constantly shower me with His Presence in all the tangible and intangible ways, and beyond all of that, He does so in a way that beyond what my mind thinks I need, my heart and my soul knows… IT IS THE LORD in everything, for everything, and with everything. So it is in this that I believe – whether it is slang in language or a personal message from the Lord…

I need WHOLLY, (the Holy) Spirit.

“For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. For by one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit.”
(1 Corinthians 12: 12, 13)

“It is a prayer and plea (on our behalf) and a promise and declaration on God’s part.” (Father Thomas Rosica) EMMANUEL – “God be with us,” being our prayer and our plea is also God’s way of whispering to us His promise, “I am with you,” in Jesus.

Jesus’ death and resurrection were not the only pieces of His love for us. It is not just through the sacrifice, but also through the very moment he was conceived in Mary through the Holy Spirit; His very existence. By bringing Jesus to us at conception and birth, it began the fulfillment of an eternal promise,

“Do not fear, for I am with you,
    do not be afraid, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
    I will uphold you with my victorious right hand”
(Isaiah 41: 10)

“I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
(Matthew 28: 20)

He had already brought Himself down to live with us, and even through that sacrifice. But His love and yearning for us must be so great that He continuously chooses to live within us through His presence so intimately consecrated in the most Holy Eucharist, and in His very presence in one another, every day, every minute, through the breath of new life!

In every single being is the breath of God, and if we release ourselves from the default mindset of our perception of “waiting,” which is now often times understood to be the moments we idle or stay still like a sitting duck, we will begin to see that there is always a call to see and seek Him more deeply (no matter how grand or minuscule the “call” or moment may be). In this way,

YES, we will lament,

YES, it will be hard,

YES, we may falter,

YES, we may even fail at times,

But the acknowledgement of His divine presence everywhere around us will allow us to go beyond the face value of these hardships and sufferings and see the face of God instead. Which brings me back to the beginning of His call for me…

MISSION (whatever it may be for us) IS NOT JUST ABOUT ENDURING… IT IS LIVING.

The two go hand in hand. It is not easy. Unlike most other jobs, mission work is mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually draining if it is not done because of, for, and with the Lord! But if we allow His Spirit in some sort of daily “Pentecost,” then there is no stopping us. WE LIVE THROUGH ENDURING, AND WE ENDURE BECAUSE WE LIVE.

“At most, we are far from Him, but the path that joins us to one another is open. And this path is not a matter of space travel of a cosmic-geographical nature: it is the ‘space travel’ of the heart, from the dimension of world embracing divine love.”

EMMANUEL.

It is an ordinary, yet not-so-ordinary reminder of our needed plea and prayer, and His never-ending, ever fulfilling promise and declaration to us… We ask for His presence, and He was, is, and always will be with us.

Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us,
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us,

Amen.

It’s been a while since I’ve been able to have my prayer dates outside. But now that the summer season has quickly approached, I thought it’d be a good day to try. I opened the front door to test the weather and sadly, it was cold. (BRIGHT AND SHINY SUN, WHY DO YOU DECEIVE ME?! HAHA!) For some reason, I decided to check out the balcony, which was on the same side, but on a different level as the front porch. I opened the door, and it was cold. So I figured it just wasn’t time yet. As I was settling in at the dining table staring out through the backyard door, I felt moved to still give it a third try. As I stepped outside, the sun shone more brightly and it was followed by the heat of the sun, and a light and cool breeze! So to my excitement, I quickly brought all my books out and sat on the deck at the back. THANK YOU, LORD; YOU ALWAYS PROVIDE!

As I began to settle in, thanking Him for making something so simple, so possible for me, I began to take note of other things…

The silhouette of the Niagara Escarpment at a distance from where I sat,
The sound of baby birds chirping in their nests on the rooftops of the houses,
Which quickly escalated into hearing the different species of birds chirping in tandem,
Then I was beginning to find some kind of peace in hearing all the children play around at school for recess, enjoying the break of summer,
And the cars, trucks, and buses that passed by seemed to come in perfect timing, adding some kind of awkward beat that just seemed to work with everything else I was hearing!

They were all things that have always been there, but in that moment, I was hearing it all in perfect harmony. It was as if God had prepared me an orchestra in nature of literally everything!

That’s when I realized what it was all about. YES, IT HAD ALWAYS BEEN THERE. The warmth of the sun, despite of the coolness of the 2/3 times I’ve tried it out, the birds, the children, the cars, buses, trucks… EVERYTHING HAD ALWAYS BEEN THERE. Nothing really dramatically changed or what not. But in the same way I had to go to my backyard to experience and realize it all, it doesn’t always take some sort of dramatic change to realize something great – it just takes a different angle in that same exact moment;  A CHANGE OF PERSPECTIVE.

 

 

I was recently asked to really reflect about the first time I heard the call, for some people, it went as far back as their childhood. For others, it was something fairly recent. For myself, after much thought and reflection, I realized the call began in the first moment of brokenness (specifically in relationships) because every brokenness I had experienced was significantly different. The blessing in each is that every piece of brokenness taught me a deeper way to love (myself, others, and more importantly, God). But once again, it took a CHANGE OF PERSPECTIVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT and TRULY TAKE IT TO HEART… So this is the best way I could comprehend it, myself:

I had looked at life as a mountain to climb. The goal, ultimately, is to reach the top. Surrounded by nothing, but the sky around me (#thestruggleisreal). Every time I had experienced brokenness, I thought of it as another “crack” from some sort of “inner volcano” that was waiting to erupt… As more cracks had appeared, it became harder, but when I truly acknowledged God in my life, I took note and held onto Him like a rope that would help me with the climb. Yet no matter what the trials were, more cracks appeared, but this “inner volcano” never erupted. BUT… What if I didn’t change any part of my life and this journey, but simply changed the perspective? 

It’s the exact same image, but taken in a new perspective… a new angle. This brokenness actually reminds me of a Japanese art that my brother, Kevin Muico, had introduced to us at METRO REGION’S RLR 2014 – KINTSUGI. The art of taking broken ceramic items, and molding it back together with GOLD, in which the original vessel, being broken, is made more precious and more beautiful by being mold together again with gold!

GOLD, to me, is GOD. In my brokenness, what I saw was “brokenness” began to change…

1. What I thought were cracks from some waiting-to-erupt volcano were actually the ways He was filling those moments of brokenness with Him, Himself – GOLD
2. What I thought was lava, waiting to erupt at the top was actually the source of Light in which He had always encouraged to bring out to me and in me.
3. What I thought was a rope to help me up was not just for me to hold on to Him, but it was a helping hand He gave me so that like the use of a handle, He could hold on to me too.
4. And that blue sky? That only thing that surrounded me? Well, it was always simple… How many times have I prayed for Mama Mary’s blue mantle of protection. I strongly believe that through all the brokenness, she was safeguarding my heart and the journey that has led me to this CHANGE OF PERSPECTIVE and beyond…

All of this was to make me a cup so that He can fill me completely to the brim, and overflow and pour out His abounding love in the lives of those around me…

From the very beginning, He always had a purpose for me and it merely took a simple change of perspective to understand this. For this (and many, many more), may He always be praised!

AMDG.

With all the things I know, there is one thing I’ve recently come to understand… though we try to understand and explain God logically, it never completely suffices because God is not just logical; He is Spiritual.

There are only so many things the human mind and heart can comprehend, but when it comes to God, His voice become strongest when I don’t try to understand solely with my all my mind (which is probably why I get headaches when over-analyzing), but with ALL my heart and with ALL my soul. I think that’s why the journey to truly find Him and seek Him above all else can be so challenging…because we’re made to feel the need to just understand, but in my recent experiences, He has challenged me to focus on using “all” my heart and mind to have faith in Him, alone.

There were times where I’ve thought so hard about what I wanted that I was beginning to forget to hang on to the source of divine peace in my life. I was seeking selfish ways of being pursued by my desires and brought less focus to my prayer time as if I could keep a “prayer credit” for the things I had begun to ask for. I was asking, but I was slowly beginning to forget to seek.and because I couldn’t bring myself to seek, I was beginning afraid to knock. But praise the Lord – our God is a loving God Who when we are silent, His voice becomes loud and He never stops waiting for even the most faint knock.

He had spoken so loudly in silence, and I had been speaking so loudly in my mind. But the silence was so much greater than the loudness of my heart and in that silence, I began to understand that what my mind cannot see and comprehend is something Unexpected and Inexplicable… but It brings a calming peace to my heart, and it reaches deeply into my soul.

Now that I am getting back on my feet, acknowledging all things in my life and not mere compartments, I have honestly never felt life feel more real… at the end of the day, missionary or not, the fact is: I AM HUMAN. Another fact is: I AM ALSO A CHILD OF GOD. As the human child needs and seeks his or her father, the divine part of my being turns that desire to a need and seeking for my heavenly Father.

As a human being, I cannot help but have these moments and times of imperfection. But as a child of God, I can be led closer and closer to my Father Who is perfect through even the tiniest step in asking, seeking, and knocking and opening the doors to what is Good. Missionary or not, evil exists, temptations exist, trials exist.Nevertheless, behind all of that is something that can be good, ALWAYS, and that is what I pay to strive for… not to be perfect, but to simply be good…

I used to panic and be so frustrated when I couldn’t completely analyze and understand something. And it wasn’t until recently that I felt that again. But as I began to get back on my feet and muddle up the courage to turn to Him FIRST above all, I began to come back to the feeling of peace I had come to know within the past year. When I don’t understand, I am at peace. In fact, I am excited.

When I don’t completely comprehend what is before me, I can feel glad because it is yet another opportunity to let His grace fall upon my heart. I have faith that my heavenly Father is always listening. And if He is a Father Who never stops listening, then He is also a Father Who never stops working, for what father can turn away when their child is fervently seeking his help? If my earthly father knows not how to turn away, then how much more for my Father in heaven? It is in this understanding that although God is spiritual, what is spiritual becomes divinely logical.

“Even to your old age I am He,
and to gray hairs I will carry you.
I have made, and I will bear;
I will carry and will save.”

(Isaiah 46: 4)

AMDG.
In patience,
Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us,
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us.

Amen.

“WHAT DO YOU DESIRE?”

The journey to this weekend began with this one question. What do you desire? My answer seemed simple. Full Time Pastoral Work. I want to be a Full Time Missionary. And God has been so gracious in guiding me in this desire. Earlier this year, I had been endorsed to Full Time Pastoral Work, and as I await the moment I am called to an Area, the Lord has definitely not been silent. In fact, He has begun to make this journey much more personal to me.

As we entered the sessions of the evening, the Lord allowed me to dive deeper in this desire…

Full Time Pastoral Work.

It does not just pertain to my family and the greater family of Couples for Christ and its ministries,  nor does it begin or depend on whether I have a placement or not, but He was already molding my desire from the very beginning. I realized that I had been focusing the mission in my family and in the community so much that there are still other areas in my life I had been ‘compartmentalizing’. So in order to fulfill my desires, the Lord had opened my heart this weekend to allow myself to be vulnerable in ALL aspects of my life.

Although I’m not officially a Full Time Pastoral Worker just yet, it doesn’t mean the mission in me cannot begin. I don’t need to know a lot more than our God Who is Love to understand that I need not to be afraid. HE is working in all those around me. HE is working in me. HE is loving me. HE is the mission in me, and my whole life is a mission to bring HIM completely into my life. It is being steady in the Lord above all else so that in allowing Him to be my Foundation, something is continuously growing in the works. WHAT IS IT? I actually don’t fully know yet, but as He holds the blueprint, I will wait patiently for the Lord to reveal it all. In the meantime, I will keep my faith and rejoice in the inner castle He has built in me.

Full Time Pastoral Work is knowing that I am loved; I am not capable; I am called & chosen and He becomes capable in me.

This is my desire. 
FULL TIME PASTORAL WORK.
To allow Him to become What is capable in me in an intimate and fearless vulnerability so that others may know this love. I DESIRE to simply love and be unafraid of it all.
And it has already begun.

“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; 
my soul waits for the Lord,
more than watchmen for the morning,
more than watchmen for the morning.”
(Psalm 130: 5-6)

Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us.