Author: Erin Gonzalez

As I read the Gospel for today (Matthew 16: 13-16), I couldn’t help, but notice that it was very similar – almost identical – to the Gospel last Sunday. This made me remember the Contemplation that I had during the GTA household, and when I looked back to it, I was refreshed with what the Lord had to say…

(Contemplation on Luke 9: 18-24):

As I contemplated, I noticed that I was first the air. I was flowing around the scene… around Jesus as he spoke to the disciples, and even around the disciples themselves. Jesus knew I was there, but he did not say a word. It was as if he wanted me to just witness to what was happening. I read it another time and I found myself being a bird. I sat on a branch of tree nearby. Again, he knew I was there and so did the disciples, yet, they didn’t budge. It was only him who noticed who I really was… that I wasn’t just a bird… and he did not say a word. I decided to read it again, and found myself being led to the verse prior to the reading itself (Luke 9:17 – “And they took up what was left over, twelve baskets of broken pieces”) and found myself being one of the pieces of broken bread. I read it a fourth time and found His message: 

We must witness in silence, and grow silently in Him in our own brokenness. Sometimes, it is in this humbled silence that His message is proclaimed strongest, and the loudness of our SELVES is the very thing that stops us from hearing this proclamation. (“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” – 2 Corinthians 12:9)

The fourth time I read this, I found myself being a “camera man”, almost. I didn’t really know what I was… I wasn’t a bird, or the air, or a piece of broken bread; I was just a presence, knowing what would happen. This then led me to think… maybe He wanted me to see all of this to see Him. He wanted me to see and understand that when He looks at us, it is neither past, present, or future. He is just that presence that we know. At all areas of our lives, when we are listening, watching, learning, speaking and even at the times when we are broken, He is always there. He already knows what is going to happen, so we need not to worry nor try to comprehend all, but trust. Every piece of our lives is a piece of our love story with God… a piece of the story that tells how we came to Him and how we, at our own pace, are made in His image and likeness. And in all the brokenness and simple events, it all becomes extravagant with the Lord.

No matter what identity we have, we are always made in Him. That’s probably why regardless of whether his name was Simon or Peter, he rejoiced because he knew that he was chosen by the Lord. And that is probably why no matter what he did in his past, Saint Paul loved and proclaimed, even to his death because he heard the Lord’s call and knew that out of unconditional love, He chose him. In one way or another, we are chosen.

“Upon this rock I will build my church.” – Matthew 16:18

In You, Lord, all is simple…
In You, Lord, all is perfect.

Happy Feast Day, Sts. Peter and Paul!

Tonight, as I was cleaning the living room, I came across an old CD that my sister and I used to listen to with my dad. It was a CD full of ballroom tracks that triggered memories from when I was a child. My dad would come home, and play the CD, and take my sister and I, and dance with us. I decided to play it, and my dad and I just started laughing about the silly ways we used to dance and began to relive those moments. Of course, when I was a child, I had absolutely no sense of direction, nor did I have any idea what ballroom dancing was, but dancing wasn’t the thing that made the memory. It was dancing with my father.

Now, I’m sure everyone has a sweet memory from their childhood with their father, their mother, their grandparents, their siblings, or any loved one that when you see, hear, feel, or taste something that triggers the memory, it’s like you’re stuck in some kind of nostalgia that you just never want to let go of.

Now, I find that the father making these kinds of memories with me is no longer just my dad, but my Father from above. In worship, He dances with me… in the celebration of the Holy Eucharist, He romances me by telling me that I am loved and out of that love, through body and blood, we unite. He holds me in adoration, and even if it may be only an hour or two, His love never fails envelop my heart and break any chains that try to bind me in doubt. And even in my sinfulness, He continues to call me… and I am blessed to be baptised with a renewed spirit each time I come to Him in Reconciliation… And just like that, I can run back to Him each time, as a child to her father.

My Father, through simple acts and simple ways, continues to build memories with me on this earth. It is in these memories of love that when I sin, I cannot wait to come to Him in repentance because I remember how fresh I feel, baptised with His Spirit. It is through these memories that when I eat, no matter what it is, I am blessed because with my Father, it is in food as simple as Bread that he chooses to unite Himself in me in His house. It is through these growing memories that in song, I can close my eyes and lift my hands in praise, knowing that as soon as I do, He is there, ready to meet me and take me in His arms in a loving stride… a dance in secret that only He and I can ever feel and see.

It is in these memories, memories of BOTH my fathers, that I know joy…
I know peace…
I know love…

And it is in these memories that I can say:
“I love you, Dad,”
“I love you, Father.”

And it is also through these memories that even before I am married, I have met my greatest romance.

I love you, Lord!
I love you, Dad!

Lately, I find that I’m facing a lot of struggles with everyone around me. Many of my friends and my loved ones, both in the CFC Youth community and out, have been questioning their faith and some of the testimonies of others. For some, it is mainly because they feel like nothing significant is happening to them, and then I just so happened to be the one they confront or vent out to. Because I’m so deeply rooted in my own faith journey, it really hurts me when I hear the things I do. It was even to the point that my sister was also questioning a lot of things, and even some things from my own life, and that hurt most because she is my “home girl’, my best friend, my better half (because there’s only 2 of us in the family haha, get it?), and the very person who began to bring me to my faith. So to see her pull away or become sceptical was something that truly hurt and took me aback. I remember thinking, “What can I say to her? What can I advise her?” But even when I prayed about it, nothing came to mind. It’s like as if the Lord wanted me to be silent.

I prayed to the Lord, asking why this was happening because it honestly didn’t make any sense. And despite of all of the different scenarios I tried to make out if it, the only thing I found Him doing was smiling. I recalled a Psalm that He led me to a few days ago – Psalm 55 – and it stated this:

“My heart is in anguish within me…Fear and trembling come upon me, and horror overwhelms me…It is not an enemy who taunts me — then I could bear it; it is not an adversary who deals with me — then I could hide from him. But it is you,my equal, my companion, my familiar friend. We used to hold sweet converse together; within God’s house we walked in fellowship.”

I remember thinking, “Lord, you’re funny! You know I would love to have all these things in the Scriptures become so real to me, but why Lord, why is it that the one that becomes soooo so real is the one all about anguish and pain from these emotions and encounters with others and what not?? Why not 1 Corinthians 13 (as a joke, of course!)??” And then I read on..

“Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved.” 
– Psalm 55: 22

I realized that yes, the Lord wanted me to be silent, but the point of that silence is not to tease me, but to allow myself to be led to Him. I decided that despite of the sense I couldn’t make out of it, or whether it was a test or not, I would just lift it up to the Lord. Not just my worries with my sister, but with my family and my friends, and everything and everyone else. Surely enough, He continued to make the Psalm come more to life for me. It began to be a living testimony (haha).

Yesterday, because my sister was unable to go to anticipated Mass on Saturday (since Sports Praise was the following day), she was the only one in my family who still needed to go to mass. She asked me if I wanted to go with her. Usually, I can’t because I made plans with sisters from the GTA core or I had a meeting, but this time, I had a choice. Some people were asking me to hang out after Sports Praise, but I felt the need to go with my sister instead  (1. Because I was free; 2. I haven’t been able to spend a lot of time with family at all lately). So I decided to go. When we were at Mass, there was a point that she grabbed my hand and just leaned on my shoulder and smiled. And then when we were driving home, we were able to talk about faith, which is something we couldn’t comfortably do for a while. When we arrived home we stayed in the car for a but, and she then began to tear up.

She asked, “Ate, how do you know? How do you know it’ll be okay, and that all of this is from God?”
I answered, “There is never a day that passes that I can say, ‘I know 100% that this is going to happen exactly at this time and exactly this way because He says so,’ because He never does that. All I know is that He has always been asking me to trust in Him. Because I know that He loves me, I know He will never lead me to anything that won’t bring me peace, and because I am at peace even though ‘I don’t know’, I trust and know that He is there, so I trust Him with everything I have… including any insecurities, thoughts, and whatever else there may be.”

She then paused, and asked if we could go to the balcony to talk even more about it. And I just knew that everything would be okay. That He is taking care of literally everything in my life. 

Reflecting on this, I read the Psalm once again, and noticed the last line,

“But I will trust in thee.”

Lord, Despite of all the things I don’t know or the things I can’t comprehend, I will trust in Thee, and I know that in this, I will be okay. “You are Mine, and I am yours.”

As we grow more and more with the Lord, our paths start to become more clear. But along with that clarity comes the sight of a road full of challenges. As I have journeyed in my faith for almost 22 years now, I have experienced a fair share of these challenges. Roller coasters of emotion, doubt, happiness, and whatever other feelings/ emotions exist out there. Fears creep up and doubts begin to form, but in the middle of all my fears, the one thing that the Lord has constantly been revealing to me is that above all these fears, the fear of the Lord is greater. 

Fear of the Lord is the only fear that brings good things into your life. It doesn’t mean being afraid of Him so we have to hide and run away or be afraid of approaching Him, but the complete opposite. Fearing the Lord has made me realize and acknowledge that God truly is greater above all, and although He has the power to move mountains, He chooses to move our hearts instead. He chooses the way of love above all, and out of that great love, He chooses to deliver us from all other fears.

Somewhere along the way, I began to realize that I have stopped being afraid of thunder; I am much less afraid of the dark; and I no longer have a fear of pigeons. And although these are small fears, along with conquering some of my bigger fears like self-doubt and what not, I have realized that I owe it all to Him. As I have grown more in love with the Lord, the only fear I can really hold in my heart is losing Him and not having His love. But coming to this realization became a testimony to the change in me, possible only through Him.

Looking back through it all and even to this day, His Word and His plan has become clearer and clearer each and every time. Through all my fears, I found His love, and in His love, I am no longer bound by my fears. Through it all, I cannot help but give myself to Him and trust Him with all that I have and grow in His love in all that He gives me. To have love… His love… is to grow and to change to live a life, pleasing to the Lord.

Deo Gloria!

The language of the world is love. Until you learn to truly love, you cannot make the world understand; you cannot preach because preaching comes from the heart… “if necessary, use words.” To have love is to have God, and once you have God, you can only grow… with each other, in each other, and most of all, in love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJfatpypaXY

Sometimes, we are approached with connotations like “Things aren’t going the way I planned” or questions like, “Why is this happening?”, “Why does this hurt so much??”. We, as human being have all these confusing emotions and are faced with so many things we don’t understand, and blame these things as the reasons that hold us back. But in reality, the only thing holding us back is the fact that we’re not holding onto something that keeps us grounded.

The whole world is filled with things that are unstable. No matter how strong we think something is, the fact of life is that everything is always changing. The world changes as we change, and the only thing that remains is God. God is constant. His love never changes. He is all that is infinite and He is all the love that we, as humans, continuously long for. If we are brought into this world, made of pieces of Him…made in His image, then our call, is to work with one another to see where we all fit; to be unified through His word, each being a little puzzle piece of Him in order to come together to complete the big picture: God. God is who we need FIRST to start completing our lives.

“apart from me you can do nothing.”
– John 15: 5

He is the base… the foundation in which all our actions, words, and thoughts derive from. “Let all that you do be done in love.” (1 Corinthians 16: 14) If God is love, then everything in our lives must grow in Him.

So the next time we say “things aren’t going the way I planned”, or “I don’t know why this is happening”, or we just feel like everything is falling apart and you feel like you’re sinking into a pit of sadness or a dark hole and what not, let us ask ourselves: “Where have I put God in my life? Who is He to me?” Chances are, if He isn’t first, then nothing else is. Things will fall apart if it is not built on the foundation of love; if it is not built on One who is constant, never-changing, ever-loving, and forever eternal… God.

“I am the vine, you are the branches. Those who abide in me and I in them bear much fruit, because apart from me you can do nothing.”
– John 15: 5

May He always live in us, and be praised.

A few days ago, one of the Chapters in Hamilton Area were having a service meeting for an upcoming camp for May 24-26. Kuya Gelo, Ellen, and Kevin were there, and as we were discussing the plans for this weekend’s HLT, one of chapter heads mentioned that he will not be able to make it anymore because he was going away for the weekend, last minute, for a family trip. I said it would be okay because Kevin would be there so he can take over as the Team Leader. Suddenly, Kuya Gelo said, “It’s okay! Leave it to Kevin and Erin. Kevin and Erin will just lead!”

At that point, Kev and I both looked at each other and began to discuss when we were both available, keeping in mind that the HLT was in 3 days. As we slowly discussed our schedules, we realized that we had absolutely no time to plan together and coordinate except for 2 hours (at the most) the day before the HLT. We then laughed because we realized how ridiculous that is, but we entrusted it all to the Lord, having faith that this will still be okay and that it is all a piece or a part of the plan.

Having gone through the HLT today, I was affirmed of this. People who haven’t been able to attend as often were able to make it, and after the 2 sessions, the discussion groups were so deep and we even shared a couple tears. It actually even felt like a mini household because everyone really opened their hearts and affirmed and supported one another through all the victories and challenges. It was a breath of fresh air, or rather, a breath of God’s air (haha) because He made me realize that although I was gone for a while, He is always there and He is always going to continue to build. One member who attended also later posted a message on Facebook saying that it was the best HLT he has been to.

Now, when I look back at it, it makes me laugh. The way this all happened was because of “last minute” changes. Our Chapter Head had to leave for a last minute trip with his family for the weekend. And then another member also helped out last minute to be our Music Min. And at the end of the day, everyone was able to grow, and more importantly, they grew with God and with His presence in others in the room. And even RYC was another “last minute” moment for me. I had to leave for a last minute trip with my family as well, and I was so worried because I would be leaving in the last week of prep for RYC as a Competitions Committee Head, leaving the Committee and my counterpart alone for a week. I then hoped that I would be able to return on time to catch even just a bit of RYC, but I didn’t. I was really worried, but when I came back, I found joy in hearing all the victories of the event and many individuals who truly found God throughout the whole event. It was an even bigger blessing to hear that even service team was able to enjoy and experience God moments as well (which we all know is very rare when you’re a leading/ serving in service team).

With me being gone for a while and also having to leave again soooo last minute with the family, and with our Chapter Head having to leave so last minute as well, then being thrown an event to lead and prepare for within 3 days with only 2 hours to plan, and then having nothing less than success in all these events/ areas, it became such an affirmation that the Lord is here.

What He made me realize is truly just that. HE is here. Not me. Not Kev. Not our Chapter Head. OUR GOD is here. The “last minute” changes are the very things that God used in my life to help me grow and understand. He helped me grow in a sense that I stopped worrying so much, and He helped me understand that it is not the person leading or guiding that matters. We are mere vessels of His love and His work on earth, the same way Jesus was the vessel in which He walked, talked, and breathed and entered into this world. The same way He used His Son as a vessel of His love, He will use every person to their full potential in the PERFECT times at the PERFECT moments and in the PERFECT places because HE IS PERFECT. Therefore, we musn’t worry when “plans change” because they were never ours in the first place; they are His. And whether I am to be used as His vessel at that time or not, it doesn’t matter because I trust and believe that whoever or whatever He uses, he or she or whatever it may be will bring perfection because they are bringing God at His best… because they are chosen.