Author: Erin Gonzalez

(Saturday, November 9, 2013)

When I pray, recently, especially in worship, I find that I am always brought back to this passage. And honestly, I could never fully, 100%, comprehend it…

“Those who survive her  will recognize that nothing is better than fear of the Lord, and nothing is sweeter than to heed the commandments of the Lord.”
– Sirach 23: 27

All I knew was that above all fears, my fear of the Lord must go above all because it is the only fear that does not repress anything, and it is the only fear that brings blessings, graces – “rewards”, some might say – and growth. But I never fully understood what it really  FULLY meant to me until this weekend. At the end of worship, I was once again brought back to this passage. I didn’t know why, but I knew that He was calling me to share it. But right when I was about to go up, an Ate went up ahead of me, and I was so affirmed through her share. I realized what it meant to me right then and there… Fear of the Lord, is fear of the what is unknown, and this brought me to one of the recent revelations that God has been etching into my heart, lately:

There needs to be suffering so in survival and perseverance (with the Lord), there waits a greater victory.

Suffering is not always physical and emotional. All suffering, in one way or another is personal and spiritual as well. In my case, my recent sufferings have come from endless thoughts about whether or not I’ll be endorsed, or if I’m heading in the right direction because a few other people have been trying to convince me to go towards another direction, or even just with thoughts and worries about those I love, and so on and so forth… THE LIST COULD GO ON! Then I realized, I need this.

How dull would life be if everything was handed over to me on a silver platter each time? If I take these thoughts, worries – all my suffering now and before – no matter how big and how little, and lift it up to God… So long as I take the time to die from my pride and always bring it back to Him, what follows will always be sweet. I realized that in a weird inexplicable way,  my sufferings are bringing me closer to a greater salvation.

FEAR OF THE LORD IS FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN. And He doesn’t reveal everything to me not because He doesn’t love me, but BECAUSE He loves me. He doesn’t want to hand everything to me in a silver platter so that I can enjoy everything and rejoice in everything. More-so because He wants me to journey through all of it with Him… It is through learning to bring it back to Him that everything becomes that much more joyful!

It’s kind of like cooking. Honestly. I would prefer eating a lasagna I made myself, rather than eating a microwavable frozen dinner version. No matter how similar the two are, the one I cooked would bring me greater joy because I out effort into it… I had to try… and when I when I panicked because I wasn’t sure if I was doing it right, I looked back to ultimate blueprint of a dish… the recipe… And to me, that recipe is God.

I will never know everything… Only God does. And when I suffer and have all these thoughts (of doubt, worries, etc, or simply not knowing), I praise God that I am diving into the unknowns because not knowing is what pushes me to move forward to the only one who truly knows… GOD. In doing this, I submit myself completely and wholeheartedly  to the Lord, and it is through this that I grow stronger in Him.

When I do this, no matter what I don’t know, there is a sense of inexplicable peace in my heart, and although all my questions, doubts, concerns and such are not all being answered, there is a difference. He manifests in me and that is why fear of the Lord brings us to a greater salvation. It isn’t because of fear, but because of the strength gained from that fear that guides me to listen to His voice alone, and abide by His commandments, which leads me to a sweeter victory each time. Although I don’t know, I am at peace, and it is this very peace that tells me that He is here. That this is what He wants for me (despite of not knowing exactly what “this” is). He is loving me, taking care of me, and embracing me…

“Those who survive her  will recognize that nothing is better than fear of the Lord, and nothing is sweeter than to heed the commandments of the Lord.”
– Sirach 23: 27

Come Holy Spirit, fill me as You will…

I always thought that to live in fear of the Lord meant that no other fear would phase me. That no other fear would exist. Recently, when deliberations began, I began to feel a bit of fear, or rather, a bit of anxiety over what might happen. But just as quickly, the Lord revealed to me that it is through fear that I can be fierce through His love.

“Strive to enter by the narrow door; for many, I tell you, will seek to enter and will not be able.” (Luke 13: 24)

I believe it says seek because we don’t always push ourselves to go beyond seeking. Some of us seek and find, but do nothing when that something is found. Some of us don’t even try. If we seek for that door and find it, how many of us push through with entering that TIGHT AND NARROW DOOR? This is why I believe so many people will not be able to enter – because many seek to enter, but do not push further to TRY. And I believe this is where fear plays in. Many of us seek and cannot enter because we are afraid to even try. So what good is fear if it is not overcome? What good is it if it holds us back?

This is why fear held me back from growing even further… even deeper in the Lord. I asked these very questions, when what I should have done is realize that I should not be trying to get rid of my fears. Instead, I should be acknowledging them because they hold me back. Fears bring opportunities to be challenged, and in those challenges, I am given opportunities to grow in love, trust and faith in my Father. Fear is needed so that there grows a will and call for the empowerment of the Holy Spirit. Therefore, fear is good as long as it does not overpower my trust, love, faith and ultimately fear of the Lord.

As I wait during MV deliberations, I must remind myself that yes, mission truly is my greatest desire, but it cannot live or strive without God. So, I must not be afraid of these emotions of fear or anxiety, but I must also not dwell in them. I must acknowledge them, but I must COMPLETELY devote myself to Him, trust in His guidance and have faith in His living Spirit within me and in His will and perfect plan for me. I must allow His loving presence in my life be FIERCE THROUGH FEAR.

Come Holy Spirit, fill me as you will…

“Have confidence in the Providence that so far has never failed us. The way is not yet clear. Grope along slowly; be patient, be trustful.”
– St. Theodora Guérin

One of my greatest realizations lately is to never underestimate trust in the Lord. There are quite a few things that have been on my mind – deliberations being one of many. However, I know that so long as I live here on earth, I will be human. And as a human being, I will always be full of thoughts and wonder about many many things. What is important is that I do not dwell on them.

I will never know, 100%, God’s plan for me, but what I do know is that there is a plan, and my perfect Father created that for me. When I looked back in my life, there were many things I had wished had happened at all. But if I continued to dwell on that, I would have stopped myself from taking the next steps forward. The more I grow with God, the greater His perfect plan for me becomes.

Although I don’t know what lies ahead, I know that God has a purpose, a will, and a perfect plan for me. I also know that what I have gone through from the day I was born up until now was meant to lead me through that plan… Whether I know what lies ahead or not, I will not dwell on trying to figure it out. God has planned my life, and I will TRUST that He will continue to provide and continue to build my desires with me, the way He always has. I will trust in God in me.

“For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the spirit of sonship. When we cry, ‘Abba! Father!” it is the Spirit himself bearing witness to our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with Him in order that we may also be glorified with him.”
– Romans 8: 14-17

Come, Holy Spirit…

In the past few days, I couldn’t help but notice that the last few readings have been all about prayer. Reading about the way Jesus prayed and how it relates to how we are called to pray (in almsgiving, praise, supplications, etc), I couldn’t help but begin to reflect: We are all called to pray, and yes, there are many ways to pray, but how does it all connect? The way we use our gifts and all our prayers in the end, should be for the edification of the Church. So, how do our prayers do this?

“Prayer is a surge of the heart; it is a simple look turned toward heaven, it is a cry of recognition and of love, embracing both trial and joy”
– St. Therese of Lisieux

The way we pray,
the things we pray for,
the people we pray for,
the saints we pray with,
the devotions we have,
the verbal language we pray in…
NONE ARE THE SAME!

The only thing I know I can relate to with everyone who prays is that when I pray, I pray wholeheartedly out of love. IF PRAYER IS A SURGE OF THE HEART, and AN OUTPOUR OF THE HEART then the language of prayer must be love. Then if the language of prayer is love, that must be how we are all connected, and that must be why it edifies the Church. It is a constant and changing growth, that although so different, our prayers can bring unity through love.

However, I had a feeling in my heart that there was more that the Lord wanted to reveal to me. As I continued to reflect, I began to see it… prayer is built on love, BUT love builds relationships. Therefore, I can say that prayer not only edifies our Church, but also our relationship with the Lord, as well as our relationships with those in our lives. It’s like dating…

The more we more I talk and spend time with Him, the more intimate our relationship becomes.

And out of this intimacy, grows an acceptance and an inexplicable understanding that only my heart can utter and only God can comprehend. Whether I say it or not, He knows the deepest desires of my heart. And I know He is taking care of them all so intimately… And once again, just like dating, having a the “perfect” boyfriend, He will always find ways to affirm me and grant me my desires in the most intimate ways.

*HEART EXPOSURE*

One of my greatest prayers is that God will bring a deeper unity within my family. Yes, we have movie nights, board game nights, or just “chill” nights, but I wanted more. I greatly desired to one day bring my intimate love with God into the family through mission. And slowly, He began to grant them…

My family worshipped together after my Mom’s 50th Birthday…
We pray the Rosary together…
My sister and I pray the Angelus and the Chaplet of Divine Mercy together whenever we’re both home…
I am no longer the only person in the family keeping a prayer journal…
And yesterday, our version of late-night “fun” turned into an hour in Adoration together…

And all this has only happened within the past 2 months! Bit by bit, He is turning my family from water into wine… And each time these things happened, I never expected it. I think that’s what prayer is… it is love that becomes the core of the relationship between myself and God that no one else can comprehend… It is the core of a relationship that holds no expectations, and gives so selflessly to one another with no conditions or limitations. It builds a relationship full of love and full of trust, even when it doesn’t make sense. Prayer allows me to take that “leap of faith”, day after day even when it isn’t always comfortable.

Prayer allows me to journey with others and pray with them for the mission that He has set for me… to bring His love to others so that they may also have the courage to take that leap of faith, only to fall right into His arms. Prayer… in its only comprehensible language throughout the world, is love.

When I look at the sky, or when I look at nature or anything at all, the first thing I try to look for is a heart. One of the reasons is because it affirms me of one of the greatest desires I have… But a few days ago, it led me to think, why is it that when we seek something in such pursuit and with such passion, it is because there is a deep longing for some kind of affirmation hopefully waiting ahead, or because we just want it so badly? When I look at the sky, why is it that the first thing I look for is a heart? Why is it that when I think of love, I think of God, of Mary, of my family, all my loved ones? Why is it that when we think of something, we think of the obvious?

This week, the Lord has challenged me to look deeper, and simpler. As the days passed, instead of looking at the sky, searching for hearts, I looked and saw it for its simplest beauty. I noticed how when you look at different ends when the sun is rising or setting, the colours of the sky are completely different colours. On one end, it’s a setting orange, and on another, it’s a setting deep blue and purple. Then, in the midst of it all, it is some sort of green or teal. So simple, yet so beautiful. But why is it that I only noticed this now?

When it comes to love, why is it that the first thing I think of is my family, God, my loved ones, and all of the good memories? This week, I have found myself looking at all the suffering… all the pain I’ve witnessed to and experienced, myself… The times I’ve cried… The times I’ve complained (about my food, about the weather…everything and anything) And I found myself being grateful for them all… Now, the GOOD and the BAD.

Somewhere is this world, one person doesn’t have a family…
Somewhere in this world, one person has to make do with one meal a week…
…or a day, if they’re lucky…
Somewhere in this world, someone has nothing and no one to believe in…
Somewhere in this world, someone doesn’t know what a friend is…
Somewhere in this world, someone has hardened their heart to not feel pain…
… to not feel suffering, and because of that…
Somewhere in this world, someone doesn’t know…
…what it feels like to be humbled,
…what it feels like to grow,
…what it feels like to love,
…and to be loved.

In my life, LOVE… at its finest, is when I’ve been so deeply hurt, and not only understood that pain, but accepted it… When I sincerely and wholeheartedly accepted it all (all the pain that others have caused me, and the pain I have caused others), and journey through it and grow from it with the Lord. To experience love at its finest is to not only rejoice in all the good things, but to also see the reason to rejoice in the bad. To LOVE wholeheartedly is to see God in ALL things, and to LOVE Him in all things and all people, even when it is hardest. 

Thank You, Lord, for my family,
Thank You, Lord, for all my friends,
Thank You, Lord, for giving me a house where I need to spend a day to clean because it more than just provides,
Thank You, Lord, for life,
Thank You, Lord, for health,
Thank You, Lord, for the hardships that have taught me to be simple and constantly strive to be happy to live simply,
Thank You, Lord, for all the pain that has challenged me to see that You are greater than all,
Thank You, Lord, for the people that have come and gone in my life, for they have brought great joy to me, but also great suffering that has made the victories that much more joyful,

Thank You, Lord, for You,
for You have planned it all, saw it all, and continue to CHOOSE to love ME, WANT me, and constantly PURSUE ME each and every day above all…

AND LAST, BUT NOT LEAST,

Thank You, Lord, for the gift of mission… to be able to be given an opportunity each day, to show others that there will ALWAYS be something and someone to love and be grateful for, and that to love at its finest…is to do it together!


Happy Thanksgiving, Papa G!

When I was asked to share at West Cluster 2’s Discovery Camp, I found myself being brought back to my past… my journey from the very beginning of my life, up until now. A lot of things have happened to me when I was young, and as a cause of those negative things, I began to live a negative life. I got into relationships in which I thought were love, but inevitably, a life of sin only led me to one realization… I didn’t know myself, and I didn’t know love at all…

Those years passed, and as I grew, I began to understand who I was more. Years later, I entered a relationship that I can, up ’til this day, say was one of the greatest blessings. I was with a man who could accept me for everything that I am (with my past included), and respected me enough to love me beyond my “no,” to the physical temptations in the relationship. In fact, he honoured it, and gave his all to pursuing that lifestyle in our relationship. It was a relationship that most people would give a lot to have.

Many reflections back, I shared about how my trip to the Philippines changed me. We were exploring the different areas in Philippines, enduring bucket showers with cold, unheated water, and day by day, we were constantly switching from one home to the next, sleeping on the floor, on a cot or whatever else was there. And it was in this that the Lord challenged me …

“You think this is mission? Endurance is not mission. Mission is about living. If I called you right now, with only the very things you have with you today, would you drop everything else to serve Me?”

“Yes Lord, I WILL.“

Coming home, little did I know that the test of that very question would follow me back home. I found that literally everything was being show to me at a new light. I was finding calls to balance all the areas of my life (i.e. family time, service in the CFC Youth Community, etc). What I didn’t see coming was having to give up the one relationship where I truly felt the real love of a man. There was nothing wrong with our relationship… we weren’t arguing at the time… we didn’t hurt each other either… ALL I KNEW WAS THAT THERE WAS A GREATER LOVE AHEAD…

I FOUND REAL TREASURE…
WHAT IS IT?…

At first, I thought the greater treasure was the relationship I was entering with the Lord… the very relationship I was giving up the man I loved for… I thought God was the greatest treasure, but it wasn’t until that day I walked into Camp Samac… that moment I saw my friends, listening to me and supporting me with smiles at the back… that moment I saw all the youth listening with hearts wide open for the Lord… And it was also the moment I came home to my family at 1 or 2 in the morning, only to be attacked with true, genuine and affectionate hugs after being away for only 2 days… It wasn’t until this weekend that it all clicked… the GREATEST TREASURES I HAVE ARE THE VERY THINGS I HAD FROM THE BEGINNING…

The greatest friends, the greatest family, the great and endless opportunities to share the love of the Lord to the youth I serve daily, the Church, the Sacraments… everything and everyone around me IS THE GREATEST TREASURE I ALWAYS HAD. The difference is that I never noticed that it was real…

The very thing that suddenly made all of this REAL TREASURE is that God met me, waited for me, and continues to journey with me to SHOW ME SO INTRICATELY the treasure I already had. The treasure that is greater than a love… a relationship with the Lord.

REAL TREASURE IS NOT JUST THE LOVE I HAVE FOR THE LORD OR THE LOVE HE HAS FOR ME; REAL TREASURE IS WHEN THAT LOVE IS REVEALED THROUGH EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AROUND ME. IT IS THE TREASURE SEEN IN SEEING AND FEELING HIM IN THEM. IT IS WHEN THAT LOVE IS NOT ONLY IN MY DATES WITH THE LORD, BUT WHEN IT IS IN EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE AROUND ME. THAT IS THE GREATEST TREASURE…

And of course… when we have this much treasure, what do we do? As a child of God, riches are not meant to be kept for oneself, but they are meant to be shared with everyone else. And it is for this very reason that I saw my YES, once again, to the call of Fulltime Pastoral Work, if that is what He wants of me… so that the world may know the true value of REAL AND EVERLASTING TREASURE… HIS LOVE… a love that shares, a love that changes and a love that might even bring new things… a love that grows in faith, peace, hope, and joy… 

*** Back to the basics: LOVE is not EXCLUSIVE, n’or is it SELECTIVE, it is INCLUSIVE of everyone and everything, always…

May He always be praised!

I was waiting at the local transit station, waiting for my bus and as I was waiting, I found myself asking (out of nothing else but genuine curiosity), “Lord, is it really true? When we give (and I mean truly give), do we really receive it back in one way or another? I mean like, if we did something for someone when they were in need, will they do the same for us somewhere along the way? And if so, would it be towards a similar need in the future? How does it work?“ 

 

Now, the place that I live in isn’t exactly a city. In fact, it really isn’t a city at all; It’s a town. So the amount of regular local transit buses (“long buses”) we have are 8, and only 5 of those run EVERY day. Aside from these buses, there are 2-4 “community” or “special” buses (“short buses”) that only run for a few hours in the day. ALL the local buses also don’t connect to other cities or towns; they run solely within our town. The bus that I take is bus 5. And while I was waiting, I looked around to see 2 short buses. One that just left, and one that was still parked at its bus bay. Then, a while later, I noticed the regular buses pulling into the station…

They all leave around the same time, so I began to look out for a long bus (Bus 5). When the last short bus and a few of the regular buses started to leave, and my bus wasn’t in sight, I decided to ask one of the bus drivers waiting around:

“Excuse me, would you happen to know where bus 5 is, or when it’s coming?“
The bus driver looked around, and I saw him staring at where the short bus used to be.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “it just left!” I was surprised because I actually spent the last 15 minutes, looking at that bus, thinking that it wasn’t my bus yet because it was a short bus! However, there was another bus I could take that would take me to another stop, which would be about a 15-20 minute walk to my house. But when I started inquiring about it, I just saw it leave the station… Oh the luck… hahaha xD

Suddenly, another bus driver cut into our conversation and said, “Excuse me Miss, where are you heading?” I answered, “Philbrook and Hepburn… I actually just missed my bus…” All of a sudden, without any hesitation, he said, “Oh it’s okay! Come with me! I’ll take care of you!”

Now most people would feel uneasy about this, but for some reason, what he said made me feel at peace. So, I thanked the other bus driver and went towards the other bus. When I looked at the sign, I saw a random street on the sign that I wasn’t familiar with (also because this bus route was one of the newest additions), but I thought MAYBE it’s a new route that passes by my area! So, I got on the bus, paid my fare, and took a seat near the front. When we left the station, the bus driver picked up the radio, and next thing I know, HE’S CALLING THE BUS DRIVER OF THE BUS I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE! O.o  He was asking about where he was, and he asked if he could wait at a nearby stop so that he can transfer me onto his bus! …The bus driver… a complete stranger, went out of his way to make sure a passenger would make it home. I could’ve waited for the next bus, but he went out of his way…

Now in my town, the transit system is a little different. When you pay your fare, you can only ride on one bus and make one transfer, ONE WAY. So when he spoke to the other bus driver, he told him to not ask me for any fare, and to just let me on. And just when I thought he couldn’t do any more for me, when we met the other bus, he parked literally RIGHT BESIDE THE OTHER BUS SO THAT I WOULDN’T GET HIT BY ANY VEHICLES DRIVING BY! He also inched a little forward, letting the front peak out, so that there was enough room to open the doors. I got on the bus, and I made it home, safe and sound.

And then that’s when it hit me… When we truly give, it really isn’t what we are giving that matters most… what matters is the very reason we give. What matters is that we are giving out of love. And when we give all our love in that very act of giving, we receive with the very love we gave with. What we are called to give is nothing materialistic, nothing that is monetary, not even the sacrifice of a certain deed alone, but LOVE. So ultimately, what we will always eventually get in return is true, genuine love.

This is when it also dawned on me… All this happened after I asked the Lord about what happens when we give. The moments of love I just witnessed to in that bus driver was God’s answer for me:

“One man gives freely, yet grows all the richer;
another withholds what he should give, and only suffer want.
A liberal man will be enriched,
and one who waters will himself be watered.”
– Proverbs 11: 24-25