Author: Alodia Landingin

I’ve been suffering from vertigo for the past couple of days. Imagine waking up as your surroundings spun out of control. I was freaking out and I felt so sick. I was crawling to the bathroom and it wasn’t even 5 am yet. I felt so helpless.

Last night, my family brought me to the emergency to get checked. I waited to be seen by the on-call doctor as a series of injured patients piled in. Some were from a motorcycle accident, the rest were from drinking and driving.

And so I waited for my turn amidst the smell of blood, flesh wounds and vomit. I sat there and kept my stomach from churning. Finally I was tended to, and was referred to a specialist. My wait was longer than my actual check up.

Today, I waited for 4 hours to see the doctor. I only had crackers to munch on. I was getting so impatient and annoyed until I realized that most of my fellow patients were elderly. They were old and weak and they’d been waiting longer than I. So I told myself to wait longer.

After the check up, my aunt, brother and myself went straight to the restaurant to eat as we were starving. Within minutes, the food we ordered came, except for mine. Five minutes passed, then 10, then 15 then almost 30 minutes passed. Finally after following up, my order came. I was already past the point of hunger.

When it was time to get my prescription, the first pharmacy was full so we moved on to the next one but they didn’t have the medicine I needed.  It’s true what they say, third time’s the charm. Got the medicine on the third try.

Then on the way home, the bus ride that was only supposed to be 40 minutes turned to two hours due to road construction. So I sat there contemplating and realizing that the Lord is clearly telling me to wait.

Then when I looked up, I saw one of the most beautiful sunsets ever. The sky was orange red, in layers, fiery and bright. It was straight out of a dream.

All day long I’ve had to wait for something or someone. All day long I’ve been delayed. All day long I was chasing something I knew I needed. All the while, I was hopeful it will be my turn. I was hopeful that the food will soon come and I can finally eat. I was hopeful the next pharmacy had my prescription. It got me thinking, what does it mean to wait? What does it mean to be patient? It all lies in that four letter word: hope.

Waiting isn’t easy. Being delayed or derailed is frustrating. When situations don’t go the way we imagined it, we start to doubt and think it’s not meant for us. Sometimes it makes more sense to give up and just walk away, try our luck again tomorrow but when we’re in that moment, though we might think that our time is wasted or we’re sent on a loop, the point is to keep looking forward. To keep hoping especially if we know at the end of that hope is what we need most, what is necessary, what we’ve asked for from the Lord. He said, ask and you shall receive.

So trust that He will hand it to you; hopeful that it is the best for you.

At the end of the day, like that sunset, the Lord can turn it all around and show you what He’s been painting in the background for you, all along. We can’t pretend to see the ending but we know and are hopeful that the Lord is already there. Sometimes waiting is necessary. Often, waiting makes room for God’s grace.

Hopeful,

Alodia

Lord, You are

the curator of my dreams
the air in my lungs
the beat of my heart
the painter of my every sunrise and sunset
the keeper of promises
the purpose in my every step
the love of my life

my favourite song to sing
my saving grace
my everything
my home

Alodia

My prayer everyday is “Lord, I want what you want for me.” In striving to surrender all aspects of my life, not just in service and prayer life, I have to learn not to want for myself. So, if the Lord asks me to wait, I’ll wait even if I’m impatient. If the Lord allows certain people in my life, I will be open. If the Lord allows certain circumstances to happen, I have to learn to trust the process. When I know and I remember who I belong to, it becomes possible to exchange my wants with His Holy will. As Catholics, I hope that when we look at the cross and the Eucharist, we will always remember who we belong to: God👆🏻.

I am yours and you are mine.

Alodia

 

In the past, I would feel anxious when I feel uncertain where my life is going. I’m not much of a planner but when I set a goal or a plan in motion, I feel the need to follow through and if it’s not how I imagined it, I start to question myself and my decisions.

On some of my bleakest days, I asked a friend why it’s been so hard to see how the rest of my life is supposed to be like. Why do I feel so lost? Why do I feel like no matter how hard I try, nothing is working out the way I want? Why do I feel like I’m running in circles? Why do I feel so tired from trying but not gaining ground? What am I doing? I felt like I was in the dark.

She told me, “the Lord doesn’t give us enough light to see the whole path but He gives us enough light to see the next step. And as we move forward and take the next step, He gives us enough light to see the step after that, then the step after that.”

That’s trust. When I think about trust, I think about that light; just enough so I see where to place my foot, to avoid possible pitfalls but not too much that I start to rely only on my own abilities, neglecting to lean on God’s divinity. What does trusting in God’s providence mean to my discernment? Trust is the backbone that keeps me upright during this whole process. Trust allows courage to take root. Trust means there’s also faith. In that faith, there’s love and love has no room for fear and doubts. This reminds me of this bible verse, “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path” (Psalm 119:105). The “word” is both Jesus Christ, our Saviour, our role model and the sacred scriptures that teach us what God is like; what He wants for us – a love letter in a series of books.

My discernment journey is consistently challenged. The same unwanted thoughts make their rounds when I let them: doubts on my abilities, my own courage, my own heart, my family’s well-being, fear of the unknown and fear of being alone. But I always go back to my intimate moments with the Lord, so deep in love with Him, excitedly, I say, “I can’t wait to see what we can do together. I can’t have it any other way. I can only be me when I’m with You. I can only do what You set out for me to do, with You, in You and for You.”

So, I’ve learned to walk with just enough light to see the next step. Walk, run, jump, crawl, whatever it is we must do to get to Him, the Lord will give enough light to see us through. And for the rest of the path that’s hidden in the dark? We must learn to follow Him even there, believing, trusting and “know(ing) that the Master will use you not only for the good of the Kingdom, but also for your own good. There is absolutely nothing to fear in His service. When you abandon all to Him, you receive all from Him” (George Muller).

with You, in You and for You,

Alodia

“The story of Mary of Magdala reminds us all of a fundamental truth,” Pope Benedict said. “A disciple of Christ is one who, in the experience of human weakness, has had the humility to ask for his help, has been healed by him and has set out following closely after him, becoming a witness of the power of his merciful love that is stronger than sin and death.”

Made in the image and likeness of God, our hearts and our being, in their very core, lies the desire for holiness, to be closer to our Maker. With this desire, we also recognize that it is going to be a constant struggle. Nothing good ever comes easy, they say. What Pope Benedict said resonates to every sincere Christian who struggles for holiness – it is in human weakness and humility that we cannot do anything without Him. With His grace, we allow the Lord to transform a heart of sin and pride to a heart that seeks and follows Christ’s example and God’s will.

How often do we bring our sins, doubts, fears, failures, hurts, personal demons and our own imperfect hearts to the foot of our Saviour, to be healed? Do we wait until we are completely broken? Do we offer them up everyday? How much of our weaknesses do we let the Lord conquer instead of us dwelling on them alone?

How often do we gaze upon our Saviour and realize that it is our sins and wickedness that brought Him there? How often do we gaze upon our God whose love is so overwhelming that it defeated death itself?

In our weakness and fears, when was the last time we looked at the cross, like Mary did?

In God’s victory and faithfulness, when was the last time we followed closely after him, becoming a witness of the power of his merciful love, like Mary did?

St. Mary Magdalene, pray for us!

Alodia

My God,

How are we doing? Am I actually following the steps you set out for me to follow Your will? How am I doing? I’m sure you’ve seen the little things I’ve done to show You I love You and to thank You.  I’m sorry I slipped a few times this week. Please take away anything that confuses me, whatever makes me doubt of what we can accomplish together and elements of my everday life that might lead my focus away from You. I leave these distractions, these matters that pinch my heart at the foot of Your cross.

With and in Your grace, love, mercy and light, I will do better tomorrow and the coming days until the end of my days. I will fall more times than I would prefer but don’t let me give up until I’m perfected in You.

Forever grateful,

Alodia

 

Yesterday, I caught up with a very good friend from Winnipeg (holla!). We were updating each other on our weekend happenings. Mine was uneventful. I was telling her that my only goal for the day is to drink water. I needed to drink lots of water because it was a hot day, specifically 31 degrees Celsius. The heat was giving me a headache. Then she mentioned that she read a book wherein every chapter is a day’s goal for the protagonist. So let’s say it’s Day 23, the main character’s goal is to do household chores and so on.

When I think about it, these simple daily goals help centre the day and make one feel accomplished even in the little things. Really, we should and we can worship and glorify the Lord in the details of our day. He is there at the minute moments and familiar routines as much as He is there during our big breaks, major life events. He is always in the present. When we start to worry about the future and when we regret the past, our trust in God has already faltered because we are not living in the moment. The past, present and future are His. Trusting Him means leaving them at the foot of the cross where they truly belong and going on our day – enjoying every breath, every moment where his love, joy, grace and mercy are expressed in our everyday encounters, common challenges and embodied by everyone around us: people we love, people we don’t like as much but we are working on it, people we just met, strangers who say good morning.

Only God knows what lies ahead and why the past played out the way it did. Even in the unknown, He is always around. It is also in our everyday thoughts and actions that we can shape and change ourselves for the better. We can train to be more enduring or loving or patient or all of the above. Our thoughts (goals) will ultimately shape our character. Let’s take it one day at a time. So let’s love and appreciate the ordinary. Set simple goals for ourselves and let the Lord direct those too,  as much as we seek Him on our grander aspirations. We’re ordinary people with an extraordinary God.

We’re just ordinary people
We don’t know which way to go
‘Cause we’re ordinary people

Trying,

Alodia