I had a conversation with a friend while walking to a bubble tea place. A question that came up while we were sharing our lives to each other was, “What if we know everything?”. I started imagining my life with this question in my head. That means, I’d know exactly what I’m going to do in the future, or I’d know exactly what will be coming at me and I would know exactly how to handle things. No uncertainties, doubts, surprises, need to surrender – I am all-knowing.
Really what came to me was, “What’s the sense of living?”. If I knew everything, what’s left for me to hope for? Would I even know what hope is?
I used to be a big worrier. I still am sometimes actually. But I was the kind of person who had the mindset that if I’m not worrying, then I must be doing something wrong or I must be doing less than I’m supposed to. I found comfort in worrying because it was an indicator of care for me. Until a time came when I thought I had everything going perfectly but in reality I didn’t, simply because of the fact that I don’t know everything.
I don’t know everything. In fact, I don’t know a lot of things. But I realized that there is a certain beauty in not knowing. Because when I acknowledged that I don’t hold what is to come is when I can honestly say that I have trusted the One who knows. God does not expect me to have the answers to all the questions, to know what to do all the time, to know what to say all the time, so why should I expect myself to do all these things? I find beauty in unforeseen occurrences, conversations, meetings, deviations, uncertainty, because it is through these things that I know that the Lord is directing my life. There’s beauty in accepting the limits of being human – it directs us to the greatness of God.
I still worry sometimes. I panic and get frustrated when things don’t happen the way I think they should. But I take these as constant reminders from God to breathe, enjoy uncertainty, submit to humility, and surrender.
Thank You, Lord, for the countless times You’ve reminded me of Your greatness. Strengthen my faith, give me peace and joy amidst uncertainties. Mother Mary, melt me and mold me.