Recently, I’ve been feeling so out of place. I felt so much void, yet was filled with so much noise. The past few weeks became super busy, super fast… and it was in this haste of environment that made me lose sight of how restless my heart was becoming.
The pressures and deadlines with school and service all meeting up at once, the desperation to find a job because of the worsening financial struggles in my family due to my dad’s wavering health, the awkward transition out of HSB without a program head to take my place and a national assignment to still complete… All of these things were running through my mind. And there was only one thing I felt in this struggle: Loneliness.
I felt so lonely, yet I had so many brothers and sisters to talk to about how I was feeling. Sometimes I felt like no one would understand, to the point where I couldn’t even tell my own best friends how I was feeling. The bottled feelings exploded eventually and in a way that got me reflecting on why I would bottle things up in my heart anyway.
My 21st birthday was this past Friday. After my morning lectures, I drove to Perpetual Adoration at Holy Cross, but once I got there, I couldn’t focus. All I heard was noise, distraction, chaos. I realized that my heart was no longer beating to glorify God, since the inner most crevices of my heart contained such disorder. It was simply just beating to keep my body alive, even if my soul was in a state of poverty. So I looked at Jesus, tried my best to cut the noise, and placed my hand on my heart. I prayed to Him: “Jesus, let me hear you.”
In my moment of prayer, some sensation came about me. The Lord let me hear His Heart. I realized in that moment that though my heart is filled with noise and voids of sorts, The Lord’s Heart is complete. It beats perfectly… for us. It beats constantly, pumping blood into His body– and we are His body. His Love outpours with every constant beat of His Heart and I can’t help but feel so grateful from simply knowing this Truth.
There’s so much noise in our lives because we fail to internalize His heart. Sometimes we fail to understand and seem to forget that His Sacred Interior, His Constant Peace, His Eternal Love… all come from the steady beat of His Heart. Let us strive to hear His Heartbeat with our own hearts, because as this earth changes, as things change around us and as we change… His Heart will always stay the same.