I never used to think of God or refer to Him as a “Promise Keeper”
I envied those that called Him that. I always felt like they had this hope in them that I could never really grasp for myself because I doubted so much if God would really grant me the true desires of my heart.
However, in the last few months, others kept pushing me to look at God as a promise keeper. I wrestled internally with this for a long time. I really just couldn’t believe that God would give me the things I longed for. In my own understanding, all of my desires conflicted with each other. If I chose one, I would forfeit everything else I wanted. I couldn’t bring myself to sacrifice for one thing because I wanted everything.
I asked Him over and over again, “God, how is this possible?” Instead of answering my question, God asked me “Why don’t you believe in me?” and eventually I found that my answer was “Because I don’t believe I am worthy of the things I desire.”
It was difficult for me to admit to God that I still believed in a lie. I thought I had come so far in my healing process, yet there were still dark crevices of doubt in my heart that believed I was unworthy of God’s love.
As I continued to wrestle the doubt out of my heart, I came to realize that God was expanding my faith and using the holes in my heart to help me become more holy. As a I lifted up my doubts in God the Promise Keeper, I saw Jesus give Himself as THE promise of joy, over and over again in mass, as bread and wine. It was a comfort to know that when I opened my eyes to see how God saw me, I didn’t see all of the flaws I had. Instead, I saw God, who loved me through my flaws. I saw a God who loved me in my honesty. I saw a God who wanted me to hope, to dream, and to claim victory over my doubts. I saw a God who lay behind all of my desires. I saw a God who assured me that I would live a life of fulfilled promises because He is the Promise.
Don’t get me wrong. I know there will always be challenging life moments where arrows of doubt are fired into my heart. However, when I open my eyes to His presence in my life, I know without a doubt that in this moment He is keeping His promise to me. I don’t need to have the things I want or life goals accomplished to know that He is good to me. All I need to know is that God is with me, because He is my promise fulfilled.