When I was in Grade 10, a doctor told me I was forming nodules (or polyps) in my vocal cords. This explained my raspy voice but I continued to do my regular thing: sing, shout when I play sports, and talk whenever I wanted to.
I was anointed to serve Music Min in 2013 and found myself being able to sing without much of a problem. I’d yell when I’m playing hockey and my voice would be fine. However, in late 2013, something happened. I lost my voice after the North American Leaders’ Summit. It doesn’t sound serious but I never would have realized what would happen next.
After 10 months (and counting), my voice hasn’t fully recovered. If you talk to me or hear me talk, it’s more raspy than usual. Sometimes it’s inaudible. I almost always have to have a glass of water beside me. Even with that, I find it difficult to talk. I have to repeat myself often. I can’t yell anymore. My voice is so weak that if I were to sing during a worship, my voice would be gone after the first song. If I am giving a talk, or giving a share, I’d have a hard time communicating because my voice would just shut down. Not to mention, there’s physical discomfort when I use my voice and I’m usually disheartened by my inability to talk or sing.
During my provincial immersion in the Philippines, I brought these concerns to the Lord. I asked Him to take this problem away from me because it was limiting me from being able to be effective in what He has called me to do in the mission. And at the most basic level, I wanted Him to take it away so I can just go back to being normal. However, instead of taking it away He reminded me:
Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.
At this moment, I was affirmed that I am called to share God’s love and faithfulness at all times, regardless of my condition. My anointing as a FTPW, a missionary, a child of God, is something that goes beyond my ability to use my voice. I am reminded that God enables me to do everything, even something as simple as talking. He will equip me with what I need when I need it. It’s His will, not mine. It’s His voice, not mine.
I still pray for my voice to go back to normal because I know it would help me communicate better and allow me to share my passion in music with others. But after 10 months of this condition, I’ve fully accepted that I am called to do His work no matter what. Where there’s a will, there’s a way – especially when it’s His will.