These past few weeks I have been extremely distracted from my service and it hit me the hardest during this week. I was spiritually dry and I was physically and mentally exhausted.
This month I’ve been going through something, and it all came down to my health. The body pain I once had when I was 15, almost 6 years ago, slowly came back and that’s where I slowly started remembering the excruciating pain I once went through. I remember at that age, since it was all new to me, I was at my lowest.. physically and emotionally I was in pain and I locked myself in the darkness.
Which was exactly what I felt like doing these past couple weeks. Though I decided to put up a front, go out, serve the Lord and go on with my day. But inside I knew I wasn’t being completely honest with not only myself, but with the Lord. I felt Him reaching out to me and telling me “child, give your all to me and I will help you. I will carry you and I will strengthen you”, but I ignored Him. It then became difficult to keep going once I started noticing the difference in my actions, through my service within my family and this community. I wasn’t giving my all, in fact, I felt like I wasn’t giving anything.
Today I caught myself thinking about Vancouver and suddenly I felt excited about boarding a plane after 15 years. Then I thought about conference and how I’ll be serving for one of the biggest conference True North was about to have. All of a sudden I felt discouraged and negative thoughts arose. “How can I give my all during this conference and really experience Christ when I’m in this unaffirmative state?”
During mass I couldn’t help my mind from wandering, I just felt so flustered that I couldn’t physically and mentally attend the mass. Then came communion. Out of nowhere I felt the priest raised his volume 100x and I was wide awake, I stood up and rightfully responded. Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed. I went up to receive communion and when I kneeled, I felt Him beside me. The song came on,
“Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine
I am strength for all the despairing
Healing for the ones who dwell in shame
All the blind will see, the lame will all run free
And all will know My name”
I found myself in tears while I’m kneeling, feeling so vulnerable because I felt like He sang the song to me. While reflecting I couldn’t help but realize that I’ve hurt Him because I didn’t have faith and instead of turning to Him, I turned away. I hid this hindrance not only from Him but from everyone because I didn’t want to burden anyone. I wanted to hide, under my shell, in the darkness.
But despite the physical pain, the emotional and spiritual strain, the Lord still calls me. But be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you. (1 Samuel 12:24)
Surely enough I was affirmed by the Lord, Himself! I couldn’t help but feel a sense of relief at the end of Mass. The feeling of doubt, hopelessness and unavailing attention toward my service to the Church, the community and to my family was slowly lifted. I was blinded by the physical pain that I let it get to the best of me. I was reminded that although I felt myself giving up each day, the Lord continued to walk with me and shared the pain I was feeling. The Lord in whole was attentive and will always be there.
