I find it very hard to open up to people. Sometimes the mere thought of it makes me cringe. There are several things that I prefer insist that I keep to myself. In all honesty, there are a lot of instances in my life that make me think that I get along with brothers more than I do with sisters, making me like ‘one of the bros’ even if it is unintended. I realize that this mindset is usually the root of what gets me into trouble. I say this because I am a sister and there are some things that you just can’t talk to brothers about and vice versa. Furthermore, I am a sister–thus I must carry myself and seek to be treated like a sister.
Jaded by rejection, betrayal, disappointment, and hurt… I used to be very weary and skeptical of the bond between sisters and questioned if the sisterhood before me was a blessing. The consequence of this was that I closed myself off to the sisters around me, keeping to myself about my struggles and seeking affirmation/consolation elsewhere. I would tell myself that this was surely the best way to avoid creating minimize problems in my life and everyone else’s around me, but the reality was that my prideful self didn’t want to face the honest correction from my sisters (even if I thought it could have been delivered just a little more loving and gentle at times). I am unbelievably hard-headed… seriously hard-headed… and looking back, I don’t blame some of the sisters for losing their patience with me.
Haha… but praise God! the Lord still continues to work in my life despite how hard-headed I am and whatever else has happened to me. Over the years the Lord slowly instilled within me a deep appreciation and love for my sisters as He continues to heal and transform the relationships in my life. I was affirmed of this last Tuesday during our upper household. Building off of our session for the night, one of our activities was to have a little one-on-one discussion with the sister we were assigned to. We were told to share with each other the temptations and sins we constantly struggle with, and then come up with a plan of how to keep each other accountable. And I froze. My pride within me kept on saying that this wouldn’t be a good idea and this general area of my life could not be trusted with anyone else but myself. (See? There’s that problem again) Thankfully, our God is a persistent God. I was so humbled by my fellow sister’s sharing that the Lord got through this hard head of mine and opened me up. Best decision i’ve made thus far. Had I decided to do this earlier in my life, I probably would have saved myself a lot of heart ache and trouble.
This was an eye-opening experience for me. I realized that this is one of the ways Satan traps us in the cycle of Sin. He tells us to hide in the darkness of our sin and shame and mask it with our pride. He knows that the best time to attack us is when we are complacent, when we are isolated, when we are vulnerable. The last thing he wants is for us to reach out and ask for help or intercessions.
To struggle with the Lord is beautiful, but to struggle with the Lord alongside your brothers and sisters is beyond beautiful. This is the type of beauty that the Lord intended for Sisterhood/Brotherhood within our community. Granted, I will be completely honest… it will NOT be a perfect and hurt free. There will be countless moments where we will disappoint and hurt each other. But these are moments are all the more beautiful–if not, more–because they are opportunities for the Lord to work among us.
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.
