on being vulnerable: walls, doors, and gates

Ever since I was young, I’ve always struggled with vulnerability. I took it to mean that revealing or opening yourself up was a bad thing because it made me susceptible to being teased and hurt. Showing one’s faults and flaws also made me feel like I’m disappointing those who were relying on and looking up to me. I found it hard to let people take care of me because I felt like doing so was a sign of weakness.

To ensure that I did not show vulnerability, I guarded myself. I placed walls, doors, and gates and only let a select few in. When I did let people in, they were kept at a secure distance. Once I felt like they were getting too close and were encroaching on the boundaries I set, I either pushed them away or I took a step back. Not to say that I did not trust my closest friends but it took a lot for me to be able to reveal or show the real me. The fewer who knew, the better and I thought this kind of set up worked the best because it eliminated the risk of getting hurt. I liked the feeling of security it gave me because I was always in control of the situation since no one could use anything against me. Why be vulnerable and show weakness when I could be strong? Why end the facade that everything was going well, and fine, and dandy? To do so would elicit concern from friends and they would require that I talk about feelings so they can make sure I’m okay. I thought that by hiding and closing everyone most people off, I was doing a great service to myself. But now I realize, putting up those walls, doors, and gates is actually a disservice because it’s isolating me from those who could support me when I crumble from within; thus, breaking me even more.

It took a while but being in the CFC-Youth community has made me realize that struggling with something is normal and is not something to be ashamed of because to acknowledge the trials I’m going through denotes honesty with myself and with God. More often than not, admitting my fears or that I need help is met with appreciation (how often have you heard people say, “thank you for sharing that”?) as well as the promise of prayers to help me overcome. Opening yourself up by way of being pastored is actually quite alright and is not so bad because it allows people to take care of you. In the same way, being able to pastor the members God has entrusted me with by sharing with them some of my lowest points has made me more approachable and real in their eyes. Stumbling and falling does not automatically equate to being weak. On the contrary, it shows just how strong or courageous one can be because it takes a lot of nerve to be able to admit one’s faults, failings, and flaws. These walls, doors, and gates are slowly being teared down and I have the love and acceptance that I found in the community to thank for that. (:

*This week’s Twitter promo for TNC is, “How has Lord blessed you in SFC / CFC-Youth?”I had to blog because how could I possibly fit all that in 160 characters? =P