Posture #tbt

The following is a previously unpublished personal reflection from ALMIGHTY Conference 2012.

Brothers and sisters, this True North Conference placed me directly in the presence of the ALMIGHTY. He spoke to me through my collective conference experiences, but He also spoke directly to who I was, who I am and who I will be as a servant. Conference for me this year was a test of my posture in service. It was a test of the so called YES I’ve given to the Lord. It was a test of my willingness to sacrifice. This conference revealed to me that our Lord does not call us to mission when we are most capable, but rather when we are at our weakest and most desperate for Him. I believe brother and sisters, that with this posture, we can be made ready to magnify the Lord.

Let me begin by detailing some fun facts about me that will help you better understand my reflection. My name is Jesse Roca and I’m 24 years old. I’ve been in the community of CFC-Youth for 10 years, and I’ve served as the Area Head of Montréal for the last 4. My girlfriend of 7 years is the beautiful Hannah Pambuan, who I met and fell in love with in this community. Some of you may recognize her name because she’s the sole Mission Volunteer from the Canadien (previously Atlantic) Region. I have a knee condition that’s plagued me most of my life, which makes it very painful to kneel. I also suffer from terrible back pain which is caused mostly by my poor physical posture, lack of exercise and my generally unhealthily lifestyle. I tend to ramble on and on when I give sharings or when I reflect, so I apologize in advance for the length of my reflection and also for any run-on sentences. Here we go, I hope you all get something out of it.

When the theme of this years conference was first announced, I had no idea what God had planned to reveal to me in a short period of 3 days. If RYC’s theme of Dominus Est was about discovery and journeying to find the Lord, what then would my posture be once I was actually standing in the presence of the ALMIGHTY? Early on I convinced myself that I would have a response that’s strong, firm and calm. I was so certain that when I stood before Him I would be overwhelmed by His power, and I would have no other choice than to completely surrender to Him by my own will. This is the attitude I had going into the conference. I was sure it would happen this way. I was satisfied with my prediction.

During conference preparations I was asked to serve as a photographer for the Documentation Team. I happily accepted and was anxious to serve through witnessing and capturing Jesus moments, but I knew this meant that at certain times I would need to separate myself from the conference in order to stay focused on my role of getting great shots. I thought to myself that throughout conference I would still allow myself to feel the Lord during sessions and worships, but if I saw the opportunity for a good photo I would have to forgo my own desire to satisfy my spiritual needs for the sake of documenting the conference well. I was prepared to serve.

Friday night of conference I found myself running around like a crazy person. I would kneel, contort my body, crouch, sprint through the back hallways, wedge myself in-between the stages and much more. All of this just to get the right angle for a shot. That night was basically the equivalent of an intense workout for me, which included hundreds of squats. My body felt it instantly, and I was worried of how well I would be able function for the 2 remaining days of conference. I had already endured a 42 hour bus ride to Winnipeg, throughout which my movement was limited which stiffened most of my muscles, but even with exhaustion and pain, I was still joyful in service. For I was able to meet extremely talented brothers and sisters in the Documentation Team, and I was thrilled to see how strong CFC-Youth Canada had become since the last national conference in 2010.

Session 1: The Splendor of an ALMIGHTY King, started with a bang, and Hannah gave a sharing detailing her journey in discernment for the Mission Volunteer program. She shared how her father had passed away when she was young, and how God then gave her this community to experience His love in another way. She had grown into a strong woman of faith over the years, and through His grace she was able to see His purpose for her in this community. Her YES is a perfect example of a willing sacrifice, because she knows full well what it means to offer her life for the call to mission. I am so privileged to have her in my life.

Saturday morning when I woke up I could feel that my body was completely destroyed. My back, knees, thighs, quadriceps and calves all ached tremendously. I was even experiencing muscle spasms in my left hand and shoulder. I was almost at my weakest, but I kept going. What kept me motivated throughout the day was the fact that after Session 3, I would be meeting Jesus in adoration. I knew that my reflection of the theme would depend on that single moment, standing before the Lord. I knew that my spiritual response would be formed at that time, and that it would serve as the peak for my mountaintop experience.

Session 2: Man of Action, worked in deeply moving ways. It put forth a great message, and had a huge impact on the audience because of the incredible sharings. But it was at this point in conference that I noticed something strange. I felt as though something was missing. Yes I was hearing the sessions, I was soaking in the message, I was offering myself in the worships, I was attentive during the workshops, but I realized I wasn’t experiencing God fully in everything that I did. I think at times I just felt like a photographer, not a servant. After all, I did have to separate myself to try to get those great shots, and so I ended up playing off the strange feeling I had as a consequence of being dedicated to my service role. I told myself I’d fight through my selfish need to feel spiritually satisfied. I felt alone however, and I thought I could get myself through it.

As soon as Session 2 was over, I ran back to the main hall to get my camera set up for Session 3. To my surprise, Jesus was already presented in the monstrance at the main hall. Adoration had been pushed to an earlier time. I stood there shocked for a few seconds. My mind was racing, this was the moment I had been waiting for the entire conference. As I stood there I saw other brothers entering the room, each bowing and kneeling before the monstrance. I then realized that in my confusion I had completely ignored our Lord Jesus. I cursed myself immediately. This is what I was preparing myself for the entire conference, and I blew it. Shocked by my own ignorance I continued doing nothing, but then I saw someone approach me. It was Karella, a sister from the Metro Region I’ve come to admire for her passion and willingness to serve. She walked up to me and said, “don’t worry about anything, just pray.” At that time, I put my camera down, thanked the Lord for the beautiful and faithful sisters in my life, and proceeded to kneel down on the hard surface of the venue floor. Immediately, from my knees up, shot an intense pain that caused my whole body to tremble. I laughed, because in my preparations I thought I’d be strong, firm and calm before the Lord, but it turns out He had something else in mind. The whole conference He was preparing me to tremble before Him. He made me weak. He made me need Him even more. He made me desperate. With my knee condition, my weak back, my lack of sleep and my general unhealthiness, the Lord called me to be at my weakest and most desperate before Him in adoration. This moment, brothers and sisters, is when God spoke to me.

My body was ready to fail. So what did God do? He broke me even more. He spoke the words ‘Mission Volunteer’ to me. Two words that scared me. They spelt sacrifice. At my weakest, it seemed as if was God asking even more from me. However, I kept on refusing to hear what He was saying. But then God did something unexpected to catch my attention. He reminded me of my relationship with Hannah, and in that moment I knew He was allowing her YES to show to me how to love, how to sacrifice. God forced my hand. When the Mission Volunteer program first rolled out I wasn’t willing to offer my life for the call, but now, I had to be willing to let Hannah go, I had to be able to sacrifice the woman I love, in order for her to accept His call. If she’s called to mission in other regions of Canada, I’ll support her. If she’s called to mission in Africa, I’ll support her. I’ll wait, because I know that God will be preparing both of our hearts until we’re ready to mission together in marriage. God taught me to sacrifice, not in any way I expected, but who knows where this posture will lead me. And after God revealed all of this to me, I looked up, knelt up straight, pulled my shoulders back, put my chest out and met eyes with our God in hope. I had reached the peak.

So brothers and sisters, after kneeling and trembling before the ALMIGHTY at this True North Conference, I see that He is calling each and every one of us by name to sacrifice for the mission. In His presence he is asking us to be weak and desperate, and yet to somehow offer even more of ourselves. He is asking us to surrender not by our own accord, but by His will. In doing so, we allow Him to correct our posture, so that we may be built up for one shared purpose.

Our purpose, brothers and sisters, is to magnify the Lord.

—

As some of you may know, the Mission Volunteers had a Summer House Training for one week as soon as the ALMIGHTY conference finished. And tonight as I finish writing this reflection I had my first opportunity to FaceTime with Hannah in one whole week. Brothers and sisters, I teared as soon as I saw her face. Her sacrifice becomes my sacrifice. A sacrifice I willingly offer to the Lord. Through this whole experience I see that God has been breaking me, molding me to have a posture made for mission. I’m not sure what this means for my future, and my role in this community, but I know that if God calls me, it will be harder to ignore Him this time around.

—

– Jesse R.
Canadien Region
“I am, and We are Missionaries…
… Our mission is to love, and love is all You left us with.”