Only You

I have always been a firm believer that the Lord plants a desire in our hearts for us to know what He’s calling us to do. Although I still believe in this, I developed a twisted view of this truth for I have used it for selfish reasons. “This can’t possibly be what the Lord wants for me for I do not desire this”, or “I’m so good at this. I want to do this. This is what the Lord wants for me!”, are some of the words I fooled myself with. For a period of time, this is what I based my “discernment” on.

Now I definitely did not want to become a Mission Volunteer. It seemed very unnatural for me to put myself in a position where I know more will be asked of me. So that’s why declining to apply was a no-brainer. Now why am I here? Applications were closed and the Regional MV Interview just happened, but He kept knocking. I could not understand why after all the times I’ve said no, He still calls me. And that is when the floodgates opened (a.k.a. I bawled). He stirred my heart and comforted me to say yes. And because He wills it, He made a way. The next day is when the announcement came that applications are extended. Praise God!

Having this kind of mindset not only blinded me, but it also made me realize that I have been limiting the Lord. I have been limiting the Lord’s greatness to what I am comfortable doing, what I think I can handle, and what I understand. I, who am nothing compared to Him, a speck of dust, a mere human, dared to limit the Almighty! Sometimes I laugh with shame and disappointment at how arrogant I can be. But the Lord continues to humble me for He continuously calls me.

So what is my desire? It dawned on me as I reflected on the mysteries of the rosary. When in times of doubt and confusion, I look to Christ and Mary. What is it that they desire the most? Mary did not know the entirety of the Father’s plan but she still said yes with joy. Christ did not plan to suffer the way He did but He still suffered without complaints. They only desired to glorify God and show their love for Him. The suffering came with that desire. But so did joy, humility and peace. If I want to glorify God, there’s no other heart that I should mold mine to but theirs. 

Merciful Father, keeper of my heart. Let me desire only You. Not comfort, not certainty, not temporary satisfaction. Prune the undesirable in me, stretch my heart, detach me from worldly comfort. Be my only comfort and joy. Mother, my refuge and strength, intercede for me. Amen.