On Vulnerability

It’s been 8 months and 12 days since I submitted my application for the Mission Volunteer Program, and while that may seem like a long time, it can be seen as a singular moment in the non-linear perception of time that our God possesses.

God transforms. Moments at a time.

This past weekend I was blessed with the opportunity to serve at the first-ever North American Leaders Summit for CFC-Youth Canada and America, and although I experienced God in a very real sense throughout the weekend, I felt as though there was something preventing me from fully experiencing His grace.

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I’m currently sitting in a Blenz Coffee in Surrey Central City, and just a few moments ago an elderly man with alzheimer’s approached me and asked if he could sit down next to me. What proceeded was a conversation where he detailed key moments in his life where he experienced challenges. His son being gay, his drug addictions, his wife taking charge of the family due to his complacency, his multiple mental illnesses, etc. What’s amazing is that after he was done sharing he asked me, “Is there anything I can do for you?” At that moment I was about to break down and cry because this man who could barely remember my name knew exactly what I needed, to be taken care of.

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Back home in Montréal I’ve been the oldest CFC-Youth member for years now. I served as the Area Head for 4 and a half years, and the entire time I felt as though every misstep was my fault since I was supposed to be a strong brother. I felt responsible for every single leader and member, and at times my concern would prevent me from experiencing God’s grace even in the successes we had. One of my deepest desires as a leader, which was instilled by former Montréal based Full-Time Pastoral Worker Arnold Rodriguez, was that men have the amazing ability to be the ones to lead sisters to Heaven.

The photo above was taken on the Friday night of the NALS. Pictured are all the delegates from the Canadien Region of Montréal and Ottawa; Chrisann Alvarez, Aren Jancinal, Brinely Jimenez, Ellish Maigue-Talacca, Alyssa Pambuan and Ellen Maigue-Talacca. That’s me in the middle. Being surrounded by sisters I can’t help but feel so blessed to have be given the chance to care for them and their safety. This is the same mentality that I apply to my region, but sometimes in the stress of it all, I felt alone.

I have a family that cares and loves me.
I’m blessed with an amazing girlfriend that cares and loves me.
The Lord has given me a great sense of community back home in Montréal.

But I’m my stubbornness I sometimes fail to recognize how I am being cared for, and it’s led me to doubt my anointing as a leader at times. I’d like to apologize to the Core Group of Montréal for not coming to you when I needed you, and for failing to see how you’ve taken care of me.

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For the past 8 months and 12 days I’ve been praying that God might send me a way to feel comforted in my loneliness. I travelled to Toronto, Windsor, Michigan, Vancouver, Seattle, Whistler and New York in this ever extending moment in search of an answer, but I never found what I was looking for.

God decided to reveal Himself to me at the NALS. He found me where I was.

The photo above is myself alongside 3 fellow MV’s from the Metro Region; Thea Lape, Nica Agregado and Mier Rivera. Again, that’s me in the middle. These 3 sisters have played an important role in my life as an MV ever since we spent a week cooped up in a house together last June. To be blunt, these sisters are insane, but in a very good way. They push and challenge me to pray, to be better and maybe without even knowing it, they take care of me. In the photo I’m not smiling, but my message to these sisters is to know that in that moment, my heart was smiling.

I don’t know exactly how, but God managed to put together exactly the right circumstances for my stubbornness to be broken during this NALS through these sisters. They drove me around, they made me laugh, they made me smile and it was all out of a selfless desire to allow me to experience God.

I now know that likewise, sisters can be the ones to lead me to Heaven.
Praise God.

This is what I take back home to my region.
This is what I take back home to my family.
This is what I take back home to my Hannah.

I feel like I’m ready to lead again.
And at this moment, this is me at my most vulnerable.

Jesse R.
“I Am, and We are Missionaries”