Why is that when I sin, the first thing that takes a hit is my prayer time? I’ve felt many times, after that I sinned, I felt “unworthy” to pray. Unworthy to be in His presence, unworthy to lift up concerns, or ask for graces. Like Adam and Eve, I feel the need to hide from God. I enter a period of spiritual desolation, where I feel so separated from God, so anxious and so heavy hearted.
I’ve learned that at times of spiritual desolation, one should never make a change. This comes from The Rules for Discernment of Spirits by St. Ignatius. In times of desolation, one should remain firm and constant –even in prayer.
Since learning that, I cannot say that things have gotten any easier. There are times where it is very difficult to pray. There are times where temptation is so great, that I want to give in, and put aside prayer. There are many times where I feel so ashamed. But then a beautiful thing happens, where God imparts graces on me, and reminds me that this is the beauty of our relationship. That a sinner like me, can be so immensely loved by our God. That He will love me no matter what, and that in times of desolation, I will cling to Him all the more, because He has never left me. We need to protect this constant connection to Him, and realize that prayer is more than a mere feeling of being close to Him. It’s trusting that He is there, that He listens, and that He will answer.