I had long ago thought that as an areahead I had to show continuous strength and unwavering faith. It took many years before I changed this way of leading and I was able to show my brothers and sisters my weaknesses, my faults and my wounds..
I’ve heard about it several times before, I’ve seen it too.. People losing faith. It’s not an easy thing to witness and I never fully know how to respond when someone tells me that they are, other than to affirm the presence of God and His love for them.. but it’s difficult to believe you are loved when you feel hopelessly abandoned.
Even though you wouldn’t have been able to tell, the last few months have been the most difficult for me.
Although I told myself I wasn’t losing faith, my actions showed otherwise. While I still spoke to God, I felt that my words were floating up into the air and disappearing. You can’t really hear me..can you? My anger was contained but showed itself in ways that were uncharacteristic of my personality.
One morning, I stood there in my room and played the song Our God by Chris Tomlin(http://youtu.be/zlA5IDnpGhc) and as I started folding my clothes I started to sing.. I was alone in my house and my voice filled the rooms.. God You are higher, than any other. I sang the words loudly, believing in His greatness; that He is greater than my darkness. The words ran through me as I sang, and I believed each word as they left my mouth. The truth of those words scared every doubt and fear that had engulfed me. I stood there and I started to cry.. I cried out of frustration, out of anger, out of sadness.. and then I heard it..
“Have you lost your faith?”
“No God.. I’m holding onto it..”
All this time, I had felt as though I was losing faith.. I was doubting His love for me. When in fact, I was holding onto it.
The acknowledgement that you are losing faith doesn’t mean that you’re a hopeless cause.. The mere act of acknowledging it means that you’re still holding onto it.