Returning from the recent True North Conference Full Blast, held at the University of Calgary August 3rd-5th, I can’t help but to reflect about it. It’s funny because I’m aware of how far behind I am with other blogs, uploading photos and attempting my vlogs. However I know this is something that cannot wait. The call to mission.
*Warning, the following blog is a personal story of how I affirmed my call to mission and thus is deeply personal and a little longer than most blogs. It’s also not 100% about conference.
There were a few things I was affirmed of at this year’s conference. One being that every single person that attended, was personally called to be there by the Lord. The beautiful thing is that they all already said “yes” to God’s call by simply showing up. Whether they were part of the service team or not, whether they felt they wanted to be there or not, I wholeheartedly know the Lord moved mountains to get each single person at this particular conference to attend.
Four years ago I told myself, if it’s meant to be, the Lord will allow me to reach an International Conference when the time is right. I partly said that to help console myself at the fact I wasn’t able to go at the time, but I also believed it because I wanted to hold on to the hope that the Lord is one who fulfills our dreams. Fast forward four years and not only did the Lord allow me to attend this year’s international conference, Full Blast. He blessed me in ways that I couldn’t even imagine. He used songs that were dear to my heart in the sessions that seemed to speak to me personally (some of the songs at ICON were different from TNC) and by giving me fireworks! (I still can’t let that go, you don’t even understand!)
But the road to ICON was not an easy one, quite opposite. During those four years I went through two of the hardest years of my life. I was in and out of the hospital multiple times for different reasons, I experienced my first anxiety attack at school, I got incapacitating migraines that made it hard to even open my eyes far less get out of bed and I didn’t know why these migraines were happening, I fell into deep spiritual desolation which only seemed to get worse as each month passed by. There was a point where I would cry almost nightly because I didn’t understand why things were happening to me. I felt like I was living in my own personal hell with no-one to confide in or talk to, and yet I knew I was blessed because I had my life and because of all the things accessible to me in a first world country. It was a crazy complex because within those two years I had to fight to keep my hope alive. I questioned not only my faith, but the existence of God. I knew God was real, I knew it because of previous encounters I had throughout my life, and I had to fight to remember and hold onto those memories as my hope. But I was angry at God for allowing these crappy situations to happen to me, for being so far away from me when all I wanted was to hear His voice and to know what He wanted of me.
There are quite a lot of things I am omitting from this story, perhaps I’ll share about spiritual desolation itself in another blog, but I remember my saving grace that allowed me to be where I am today. It was actually on a mission trip to New Brunswick that I found many answers and felt the Lord saying to me, hold on just a little bit longer and you’ll see what I have in-stored for you.
I wasn’t expecting anything to come out of that mission trip. To be quite frank, I didn’t feel worthy or completely ready to go. However the trip was for 2 weeks and in the middle of September, by which time school had already started back for most people. And for the people who didn’t have school, it was hard to get 2 weeks off with such short notice. I had recently graduated a few months before, already finished my internship and my contract job and was just home job hunting. I usually jump at any opportunity to go on mission and to travel, but as I was still in a desolate state I didn’t think I was fit to go on mission so I swatted the idea away.
About a week later big sister Ellish, our Full-Time Pastoral Worker at the time, messaged the sister’s Area Household group chat and mentioned the urgency of needing people to help go on this trip. I thought if I personally messaged and ask a few people to go, at least I could have said I tried and did my part. However I knew I would be asking in vain as their answers most likely would have been no because of school or work; and they were. A few days later, with only a couple of days left before the trip was to commence, I attended a leaders assembly. At the end they asked for help again for the mission trip, they stated the tentative itinerary and the list of events they would be conducting for CFC-Youth and Kids For Christ. They really needed another set of hands and preferably someone with experience in these service areas. As a leader who has served community based, served YCOM, and already attend a couple of ROCK training I knew my “resume” met the requirements they were looking for.
Still feeling unworthy, something was tugging at me to go. I thought it was insane. Perhaps it was the courage and vulnerability of the full-time workers asking down to the very last-minute for help, or maybe even a selfish chance to escape my environment where I was feeling so down. Mostly it was my silent cry to God asking Him if He was really there still, and if He thought I was still worth having as His servant. I gave my answer that night saying I would go, contingent upon my parents allowing me to, which to be honest I thought the odds were likely no.
By some miracle they said yes and within two days I rushed to do a trinity run (confession, mass and adoration), pack my bags for 2 weeks and I was off on an approximately (+16hr) drive to Blacks Harbour, New Brunswick. Feeling intimidated and caught up in my unworthiness, I had nothing else to do but to humble myself and ask the Lord to use me in my brokenness in whatever ways that may be. I had also started my second attempt of doing the 33 Days to Morning Glory retreat by Fr.Michael E. Gaitley. It was the only book I brought with me so that I would be forced to read and do the retreat in my downtime. My very first time attempting the retreat was the first time I went to New Brunswick in 2015, so it felt right to finish what I started as I went back for the second time. It was on this mission trip that I truly started to understand and appreciate Our Lady and thus began my journey with Mama Mary which would change my life more than I could ever imagine!
I was actually really scared and intimated to be in New Brunswick as it had already been 2 years since I was last there and didn’t know if the youth I met would remember me. However the brothers and sisters in New Brunswick were easy to get along with, it wasn’t long until I started to become comfortable with them. It was actually a blessing being able to witness the dynamics of their friendships with each other, it allowed me to bring up memories and share stories about my households back in Toronto. It reminded me again of one of the reasons I still serve CFC-Youth. It was a weird time because I started to appreciate my household in a new light and at the same time my upper household was preparing for change as two of our brothers were leaving to go for Full-time Pastoral training in the Philippines. It was bittersweet not being able to see them off in person. I also remembered getting a call and having a sister’s household at 3am in the morning via video chat. Even though I was far away from everyone, I finally started to open up and feel close to people again.
In terms of what this meant for the mission, well as Jeremiah said during Sunday’s closing praisefest of the TNC Full Blast conference, “It wasn’t until I said yes to the mission that I realized the situation we are in.”
It was on this particular mission trip when I got my answer that yes, being a missionary for CFC will allow me to serve and help the greater Catholic Church. I have known for a long time now that I have a missionary heart and that I long to do mission work. The question was always how, in what ways and through which avenues. I have done a come and see, I have helped served in different ministries of the Church and I have seriously looked into and contemplated serving through programs like NET ministry or Catholic Christian Outreach. I personally see the goodness in Couples For Christ having a family ministry where it fosters not only individual service for the Church, but families working together to renew the face of the earth. It is really a unique and valuable thing I firmly believe we need more of in our societies.
During this same trip, we had a scheduled meeting with the Bishop of the diocese of Saint John. It was a completely new experience I was not expecting. I felt completely out of my league. This was all before I even joined the Mission Volunteer Applicant program, and again the feeling of unworthiness and the realization of how small I am as a single person within all of the Catholic Church completely just engulfed me. However as we started to talk to the Bishop and come to realize the situation of the diocese, my heart sank. To be quite honest, it was quite a grim look at what the Church would become if all the young people left, if we allow the Church to die with the older generations and if no-one stepped up to do the work of the Lord. Despite feeling so small and insignificant, I believed that doing my small part in whatever ways I can will indeed make a difference. I thought of St.Therese of Liseux’s courage and of her small ways. I also remembered the bible passage that has given me strength to push through service whenever I severely doubted myself,
“Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. ” 1 Timothy 4:12
This is how God revealed to me how CFC is helping the Church, and how by extension my mission work through CFC is serving the Church. I quickly imagined the diocese of Saint John being like a “chapter” in the Catholic church. For anyone in the CFC community, imagine if a whole chapter slowly but surely slipped away. You would feel not only the shrinking membership, but a loss, a loss of family and friends. And don’t think it doesn’t matter or that the “area” wouldn’t notice. I imagine the Vatican being the area and the Pope the area head, and though it may take a minute before the news reaches him, he would still feel the loss of a chapter – the loss of a diocese. If this were a business, we could accept the loss, study and learn from the mistakes, write a report and move on. But this is not a business. This is the work of the Lord, this is life, this is love. When people leave the Church, it’s not just about numbers, I think of how much it must hurt the Sacred Heart of Jesus who sacrificed Himself for us only to have people turn away, shrug Him off and ignore Him. It hurts. My own heart aches at the thought of this. So how do I comfort my Lord, not only am I called to love Him, but I am called serve Him by turning people back and leading them closer towards Him. This is the call of the mission.
This is the call we all have for the mission and are entrusted with through the sacraments. We were born into it through Baptism, and we were entrusted as stakeholders of the mission through Confirmation. How we all fulfill and answer the call to mission will look differently. Some are called to spend their lives serving the mission as a priest, nun, or lay missionary, some will become doctors, lawyers, politicians, teachers, artists and the list goes on. However we are all called to be evangelist, no matter what form our answers to the mission make take.
One thing about this year’s TNC Full Blast conference is that it reignited the flame for mission. I had the pleasure of meeting and getting to know some of the other Mission Volunteer Applicants (MVAs) from Western Canada. In addition I met many youth, while in conversation, who were either thinking about the MVA program yet again or thinking about it for the first time. My humble advice as a current MVA is to not waste time over thinking or “over discerning” about it. The MVA program itself is the discernment. Don’t waste time discerning about discernment, like I did, it doesn’t make sense. Discernment requires you to take action. Only by having a taste of what it means to do mission within CFC will you be able to fully know if this is where the Lord is calling you to be.
If you are young and your vocation right now is to be a student, then you are called to be a witness of God’s love as a student, exactly where you are. If you are done school or are in the last year or two of your post-secondary, curious and thinking about the MVA program, attend an information night or ask a Full-time Pastoral Worker. There is no harm in inquiring or asking about something, it doesn’t mean you are fully committed, lol. No matter what your situation, if you are curious, please just ask!
Finally I pray for each and every one of you reading this;
“I Charge you in the presence of God and Christ
Jesus, proclaim the word; whether it is
convenient or inconvenient. Perform the work
of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.”
In Christ,
Meagan Webb