It’s approaching about a month and a half since the YFC International Conference in Manila. By now I should have all my photos posted, vlogs edited and a whole ton of reflections written in my journal. Well in fact, I have little to none of those things accomplished.
The first week I came back home was filled with rescheduled doctor appointments and meetings. As well for almost 3 & 1/2 weeks I was sick with what I sum up to as a nasty cold. I don’t really know if jet lag had an effect on me or not, if anything it was probably in the form of that pesky cold. One thing I have been actively doing everyday is job hunting and that my friends has been an interesting process.
In a brief conversation with a sister last week I realized a couple of things. My attention and priorities were so hyper focused on getting a job that I didn’t take time to process or appreciate what I had experienced personally at ICON. Nor am I taking full advantage of my situation. Generally speaking I am an optimistic person. Whenever someone has a problem or underrate themselves I can’t help but to try to put things into perspective. I can see hope and I can see God working in others. If I were to identify my favourite books, movies or even songs you would see the overall connecting theme of an underdog (with a little bit of faith, hope, trust and determination!) overcoming all odds. Seriously, I believe anything is possible! Why? Because God can make ALL things possible.
However when it comes to my personal matters, it’s sometimes (a lot more times than I care to admit) easy to deject my dreams. It’s not that I don’t dream for myself but there are “hindrances” that arise. Sometimes I become too realistic to the point of talking myself out of even trying or entertaining a dream further. Other times it is finances, personal insecurities, fear of failing, fear of being judged, and even times where as much as I want to do something I mentally break down and can’t. Let’s call it my slump days. A slump day for me is when I find it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s when I recess into my mind and recall everything that is not going right in my life. It is when I struggle with my relationship with Christ. It is when I struggle to find the motivation to do anything. It is a dark trap where I know I should be more grateful, I know that I am blessed, yet still I struggle to find my self-worth and any sense of joy, peace and love. It’s where I sometimes want to reach out to people but just can’t and don’t know how, even though I know it’s just by starting a conversation. The scariest part is that these slump days can come right after the best days of my life. They happen randomly and I don’t know why. I know this sounds hella dark and bleak, but it’s an honest part of what I go through.
For that reason I was scared to let my guard down even for a moment. After ICON I knew I was taken up to a spiritual high and I sort of wanted to just spring off that high and keep up for as long as possible. But in doing so I was by passing everything that is beautiful and awe striking at the top. Metaphorically, instead of taking in the view at the top of the mountain, I sort of just kept walking and moving around because I know once I take in the view, the inevitable decent will begin. (I mentioned I was an optimist earlier, right? Well I’m also a bit cynical, it’s a clashing dynamic)
I feel like I’ve been running in a circle, getting nowhere and not taking in the view of ICON. I started to take in the view last week by drawing an image of Our Lady that I had in my head. Despite my insecurities and lack of skill in drawing, I took the time to do it, and I did it on a whim to remind myself it’s worth taking the time while I have it. If I don’t seize the opportunity to reflect and take in all that I have experienced, it’s just going to pass me by. There were so many affirmations and messages the Lord had for me from this experience and to bypass it would be an injustice to God. I need to face my fear and not be afraid of the decent. It will happen when it is time to happen, but for now God has given me this view and I should take it in.
In Christ,
Meagan Webb