At the beginning of the year, I hunted for the BEST agenda. I literally mean a hunt. I went through all the shelves at bookstores, office supply stores, online, just to find the one that was perfect for me. I couldn’t even physically get the book myself, I had to ask a friend to pick it up for me. That’s how badly I wanted it. I bought new pens in multiple colours, not for school or for any type of journaling but for my agenda.
When I finally got it in my hands, I rushed to insert all of the important dates into my agenda; birthdays, holidays, weddings, conferences, retreats, CFC-Youth events, you name it. Every entry was colour coded with some stickers for emphasis. I was honestly so happy with this agenda, that I carried it around with me everywhere I went even if I knew I wouldn’t need it that day. I entered goals for myself and even logged my spending habits. This was it, this was the year I would be organized and get my “act together”.
Then, I started to fall behind. I wasn’t starting my school assignments when I said I would, I was even struggling to hand them in on the due dates. Most of the goals I set weren’t getting a red star sticker of accomplishment next to them. CFC-Youth events that were planned for months in advance were getting cancelled or rescheduled. At this point I didn’t even bother opening my agenda because it was a reminder of all of the things that I could start but didn’t finish, goals I couldn’t achieve, events I couldn’t be present at. This agenda that I was so excited to fill with my plans for the year was something I didn’t even want to see so much that hid it under my bed because I was too ashamed of everything I couldn’t do.
On the weekend, I was complaining (something I am really great at) that I had to say “no” to so many things I wanted to say “yes” because I needed to be present at this one event and yet others couldn’t show up for just a bit. If I could sacrifice my time for just a couple of hours to attend I couldn’t understand the difficulty that other people could not do the same. As I was talking (more complaining) someone interrupted me and asked, “Are you really that busy?”. I was shocked. One, because I was interrupted and secondly, did this person not know who I am? Did I not show them my jam packed, colour coded agenda from the beginning of the year? Of course, being who I am began listing all of the things that I had to do for just the remainder of the month (in my mind). Ending my long list with, “yes, I am busy” out loud. HA. Showed them.
Naturally, I couldn’t let the question go. Am I really busy? Why was there? I could have chosen not to be there at that event but I was. Then I had to reflect on all the “yes'” and “no’s” I had made. The thing is, I made a choice and many other choices. I chose to not start my assignments on time instead I picked up that extra shift at work. I chose to stay up and hangout with my friends and woke up too late to make it to a meeting. I chose to say yes to my service, to be an MVA. I chose to accidentally drop my agenda and slide it under my bed and forget that it was there (until now). They weren’t bad choices (maybe that last one) but they were my choices.
God created us with the ability to make our own choices. It is with (hopefully) true discernment that the choices we make are aligned with God’s plan for us. Will I always choose His way? Probably not, sorry I’m a little stubborn and like making things harder for myself. For me, the real challenge is to admit that my way is not always His way. And that’s okay, knowing God He will always find a way to bring me back to where He wants me to be. I need to accept that the decisions I make are for myself and to be ok with them. My personal challenge is to upgrade my prayer time to make my relationship and communication with the Lord stronger. So for those future choices, whether they’re big or small can be more aligned to His plan
Well at least most of them.