In the past, I would feel anxious when I feel uncertain where my life is going. I’m not much of a planner but when I set a goal or a plan in motion, I feel the need to follow through and if it’s not how I imagined it, I start to question myself and my decisions.
On some of my bleakest days, I asked a friend why it’s been so hard to see how the rest of my life is supposed to be like. Why do I feel so lost? Why do I feel like no matter how hard I try, nothing is working out the way I want? Why do I feel like I’m running in circles? Why do I feel so tired from trying but not gaining ground? What am I doing? I felt like I was in the dark.
She told me, “the Lord doesn’t give us enough light to see the whole path but He gives us enough light to see the next step. And as we move forward and take the next step, He gives us enough light to see the step after that, then the step after that.”
That’s trust. When I think about trust, I think about that light; just enough so I see where to place my foot, to avoid possible pitfalls but not too much that I start to rely only on my own abilities, neglecting to lean on God’s divinity. What does trusting in God’s providence mean to my discernment? Trust is the backbone that keeps me upright during this whole process. Trust allows courage to take root. Trust means there’s also faith. In that faith, there’s love and love has no room for fear and doubts. This reminds me of this bible verse, “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path” (Psalm 119:105). The “word” is both Jesus Christ, our Saviour, our role model and the sacred scriptures that teach us what God is like; what He wants for us – a love letter in a series of books.
My discernment journey is consistently challenged. The same unwanted thoughts make their rounds when I let them: doubts on my abilities, my own courage, my own heart, my family’s well-being, fear of the unknown and fear of being alone. But I always go back to my intimate moments with the Lord, so deep in love with Him, excitedly, I say, “I can’t wait to see what we can do together. I can’t have it any other way. I can only be me when I’m with You. I can only do what You set out for me to do, with You, in You and for You.”
So, I’ve learned to walk with just enough light to see the next step. Walk, run, jump, crawl, whatever it is we must do to get to Him, the Lord will give enough light to see us through. And for the rest of the path that’s hidden in the dark? We must learn to follow Him even there, believing, trusting and “know(ing) that the Master will use you not only for the good of the Kingdom, but also for your own good. There is absolutely nothing to fear in His service. When you abandon all to Him, you receive all from Him” (George Muller).
with You, in You and for You,
Alodia