In my prayer time, whenever I ask the Lord what will my future be? When I ask what should I do, should I plan for all the what ifs? He will leave me hanging. Total silence. Nothing; and it scares me. But then our Lord has His own ways to speak to me and reassure me that my desire to be a missionary is indeed planted by Him. He will show it to me through my everyday struggles. Through the little things in my everyday life that most often than not, I tend to overlook.
When I look back to my 2016, I am affirmed, that I survived it with God’s providence. I started it with my application for the mission volunteer program. I was full of doubt. Am I really being called? Can I really do it? Is there something I can offer? But I’m only a household head, a fairly new one, what experience with mission do I have? With the issues I had in 2015, am I even worthy to serve? Believing that there’s a reason why I’m asked to do so, I pushed through my application. I started to gain conviction when we were in Singapore for the SFC ICON. It was an overwhelming affirmation, seeing people literally from different countries worshipping and believing in the mission and vision of our community. I am reassured that this is the community I am called to serve and grow with.
Multiple times last year, and up to now, I was asked to do things I have no idea how. But having in mind and trusting that the Lord doesn’t set us up to fail, but rather has the habit to challenge us and push us until we increase our borders, I will always just go on and let Christ’s love guide me. And indeed He will orchestrate things to help me reach the finish line. The first half of the year was full of service, conferences, retreats and CLPs. I planned to reserve the latter part of the year for my exam preparation. However right after TNC, I was asked to serve as marketing and promotion head for Liveloud. I knew that if I say yes, it will overlap with my self-made review schedule. Also I was weighing everything, because I never served with promotion before. Nevertheless, I said yes. I was blessed with a counterpart and a team that I can rely on. With our everyday struggles of what to post and who will do the graphics, the videos; who will go to parishes to do announcements, the stress of finding time to study increases.
I was having doubts again. Should I move my exam to February? “Lord, don’t you want me to pass my exam so I can properly discern with what you want me to do? You know how much toll this exam has done to me over the past years, why won’t you let me finish this at least? Do you still want me to suffer?” But with encouragement from my parents and Ate Candy, I pushed through. I offered everything to Him. It was when I decided to take that leap of faith; I was amazed how everything just took place smoothly. Again, it was pointed out to me that even though it is good to plan ahead, God will always have the last say to what should and would happen.
My request for 2 weeks off from work so that I can focus on my studying was approved. It was approved 2 days before I start my vacation leave! Unbelievable!!! Marketing and promotion was a success. Amidst the countless emails and phone calls here and there; we were able to gather volunteers to help us out with the parishes and exceeded our expected number of people. And most of all, I passed the exam I’ve been dreading for a year. When I look back, it was unthinkable that it all worked out. But that is what the Lord wants us to be. He wants us believe in Him, even the impossible. That God will always provide.
Through reflection, I realized how focusing on the future gives advantage to the evil as compared on concentrating on the present and in eternity is to advantage of God. Another thing is, concentrating on the present actually benefits my future for the fact that I am focused on what is important now, I will be more prepared for whatever God throws on me in the future. This is in a way aligned with my discernment as a mission volunteer too. What will it do if I worry too much? Rather I should persevere in knowing and listening to what is it that the Lord is calling me to do. And trust that the future I am so anxious about will soon be the present that I can live with in God’s grace. As what Kevin said during our monthly MV teaching 2 weeks ago, “when the Lord talks about trust, he asks about NOW, not for tomorrow or next year.”
As a missionary, my task is to carry on Christ’s mission and His will. Our God lives in the eternal present, He is here now, with us. He is always here with us, and so same goes with mission, the need to carry out whatever God is asking me to do now. Not what He might ask me tomorrow, but rather focus on what is at hand. Maybe the reason why the Lord is always silent whenever I ask Him what my future holds is because He wants my decisions to base from what is present. Christ is teaching me to be patient and believe in His promises, that He never fails. Every time doubt creeps in, let my simple prayer be,
“Jesus I trust in You.”
“Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:11)