To be vulnerable and loving

Lately, I realized that my struggle with my service doesn’t come with the responsibilities or physical tasks the service requires. My recent struggles has been coming from the inside.

I didn’t realize when it started, it just hit me that I have been building walls around me. I have been too guarded and enclosed myself with towering walls. I am still friendly and approachable. I still don’t find it hard to make friends and to reach out for people. To understand them and to emphatize. I still see myself laughing with people around me.

But it has been getting worse. I have been selective of people who I talk to, who I share my thoughts with, who I hang out with; and it continuously gets worse, now even my friends will call me out and tell me why am I being so passive even with them.

I have to stop for awhile.
Check on myself.
Assess my heart.

And indeed, I have been distant. In the midst of laughing and asking people’s names, I will stop myself in investing too emotion or even try to build a deeper relationship with people around me.

Why? —I still can’t figure out why, maybe because of past hurts? I don’t know. All I know now is that I have to do something about it.

I cannot fully serve if my heart is restricted.
I love the Lord, yes. No doubt on that.
But as someone part of this community, it entails to have an open heart. To be able to connect and build relationships with people around you. To open up yourself so others will open up to you as well.
To be an effective evangelizer means to be good with building relationships

Here comes my realization that part of our mission is to be vulnerable. If I cannot open my heart to people I serve with, how can I open up and lift up my life to the Lord? How can I say that I entrust my life to Him, if merely getting to know people, building relationships and trusting them is hard to do?

Realizing this is the start, but having an open heart and being vulnerable to the Lord and to His mission is the goal.

With this please pray with me,

Lord, bless me with Your grace of humility and strength that will allow me to open up myself to people around me
Take away all doubts and fear that locks and enslaves my heart
Teach me Your ways Jesus
Teach me how You openly accepted all Your disciples
How You shared Your everyday life with people You just met on the streets
Bless me with a loving heart just like Yours
Teach me to be vulnerable and loving, so that I can share myself to others just as how You shared Yours to us
Guide my heart Lord, that I may pattern it to Yours as I partake in Your mission
Amen.

(November 3)