Faithful

This past weekend, my mum and brother had come down to visit me. Since I’m still working full time and filling my weekends with service (often out of town in my area), my beautiful mother thought it best to come to Toronto for a few days to kick-start my packing. I don’t think my decision to move had fully sunk in until yesterday, when I looked at my room filled with clothes and boxes… but I’m getting ahead of myself.

On Monday, their final day here, I had left work early. I swung around Eaton Centre to meet them and we took a taxi back to my apartment. Andy went to Subway to pick up a sandwich for the 5 hour drive back to Ottawa, and my mum and I headed upstairs to grab their luggage. While in the elevator she opened her arms and asked for a hug. I obliged and when I stepped back, her eyes were filled with tears. Ever supportive and always joyful, this was the first time I fully allowed myself to realize how much this move was hurting her.

Later that night I told Patrick about the small incident and he replied, “Yeah, she was crying at Mass on Sunday too..”

When I had first told my parents, my mum was laughing and joking about the move, exclaiming that my boyfriend was fired for failing at his job in keeping me here. Then she began asking other questions (where was I going to stay? Can we see it before I move?) and pitching possible months for her to fly down and be with me. The conversation moved fast, but there wasn’t any (serious) flicker of doubt in the things she said. It has been a month since then, and when she checked in, her questions were about work and whether I’ve told my boss, the apartment and if I’ve found someone to take over the lease, and whether I made appointments to see my dentist or doctor before I leave; typical mom questions.

There was, however, a time when she texted me that after Ottawa’s Evangelization Rally she had let her heart cry as it sank in that I was moving to another continent. She told me that she knows the Lord had been preparing her for this.. *I scrolled back down through my messages to find it because I don’t remember what it had said. To be completely honest, I think I never allowed myself to process these things, not fully letting myself feel what it meant that I was moving. Her messages went like this: “Yesterday it sank in. I was at the Evangelization Rally and I cried so hard in my heart. // God has really put us in CFC to prepare us for this. To better understand His works [within] us. I’m still numb and so is dad, lol.”

This. This is why I serve. His faithfulness to me has been so abundant, and has become so blindingly real through the way my parents responded to the call. Never in a million years would I have thought that they would give in with such surrender. That their yes would be as resounding as my own. Years ago, when the very first inkling of becoming an MV had trickled into my consciousness, I quickly pulled away. “My parents would kill me,” I quietly whispered to a fellow sister who found herself in a similar position.

My parents opening their hearts to His great love…their struggle in doing so, but their persistence in stepping forward. That is what I hold on to. God has loved me through my family, which was at one point in time a place of resentment, for there were many Sundays I stood in a pew alone. This is Our God. A God of kept promises. A God who has remained so faithful despite our floundering ways.

I dropped my mom and Andy off and when I left, I would be lying to say my heart was not heavy. My heart felt like a boulder. As I went up the escalator I played “Ever Be – Kalley Heilgenthal” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhasSpSBdEE)

Your love is devoted
like a ring of solid gold
Like a vow that is tested
like a covenant of old
Your love is enduring
through the winter rain
And beyond the horizon
with mercy for today

and as the chorus began, I walked onto the train and took a seat,

Faithful You have been
and faithful you will be
You pledge yourself to me
and it’s why I sing

I closed my eyes and in that moment my soul sang

Your praise will ever be on my lips,
ever be on my lips
Your praise will ever be on my lips,

Tears streamed down as I sat in that near-empty subway car. This was my prayer, in the most raw and vulnerable form, my heart so filled with love and thanksgiving…

ever be on my lips