Earlier this year, I made the serious decision to discern for my Vocation. Yes, Vocation with a capital V. Rather than just sliding it into my long list of intentions, I decided to take active steps in my discernment. I’ve spoken to different Sisters about their love story and how they came about in giving their yes to the Lord in this way. What surprised me was how their stories varied so greatly from one another’s. There was no bright light or dream that told them definitively that they were supposed to be there (and yes, it’s very naive of me to think that He would only speak to them in that way). I’ve had one tell me that when she decided to join the Sisters of the Cross, she had only just gone back to the Church and had a boyfriend. My own spiritual director, a Salesian sister, had known since she was very young that she wanted to serve Him in this way. It amazed me how they were called despite where they were; there didn’t seem to be a trend or an age.
However, as I was sitting with one of my sisters earlier last week, it had dawned on me… Although I’m taking active steps in my discernment for consecrated life, am I really open to the vocation of marriage? Yes, I have always longed for children and a family and the very idea of raising future saints is one that easily brings a smile to my face (as I type this, I’m beaming at the very thought). But if I were truthful with myself, have I really been open to it? Am I taking the easy way out by closing this route off to well-intentioned brothers? During my one-on-one with my Couple Coordinator (my Hamilton – St. Catharines mom), she had been very blunt with me on this. “ChrisAnn, maybe you give off that vibe that you’re okay being alone, because you’re too independent to need anyone [in that capacity],” and so on and so forth…
It’s not even the fact that I’ve been hurt beyond repair and have built walls up out of distrust. I wasn’t closing myself off to love because I felt myself unworthy or fearful. I just, simply put, didn’t feel much need for romantic love. I’ve fallen so deeply in love with Him, and I took this as my cue that maybe I’m meant to spend the rest of my life just like this, me and Him.
Over Skype, I spoke to another sister about this and she asked if I had done the Novena to St. Joseph yet. I decided to start that very evening, and on the ninth and final day, I lifted it up once more and I sat there in silence during Adoration, wondering if He would respond. This is the answer I got:
I know that no matter the vocation I am called to, I am called to marry the Cross. His Cross. Uniting my cross to His as I grow in obedience, faith and love.
Whether my cross will be that of marriage, blessed singleness, or religious life… I will carry the cross of my love for Him as I walk towards Heaven.
I, and we, are called to love.