2 weeks ago, I was blessed to join other Western North American brothers and sisters for the conference (WNAC) in California. I arrived in California few days before the conference because I wanted to travel around and also help out with any conference preparations left. When I arrived at my host house for the pre-conference days, I was welcomed much to my surprise of long list of conference things to do. Of course, at first I gladly accepted because I was there early to help out as well. However, as these days grew closer to the WNAC weekend, my heart started to feel heavy because I also knew that I wanted to spend my pre-conference days travelling around California. Instead, the Lord presented me with tasks. I couldn’t just ask the CFCs in the host house to tour me around because a) it’s not right, b) everyone who got hosted in the same house were busy with conference to do things that it would be inconsiderate for me to just leave and wander around and c) the CFCs hosting me actually had a big role for WNAC so they were also busy with things and picking up service team from airports. If you have been to California, then you would know that it takes long time to visit from places to places and transit is not readily accessible. However, I kept telling myself that I was there for service, to serve, to help fulfill what God has planned for this conference. But since my thoughts are not the same as His thoughts most of the times, it was hard to accept that, especially since I knew that I wouldn’t have time to travel around Cali after WNAC because my flight back home is literally right after the last day of WNAC. As heavy as my heart was, I decided to ignore the feeling and continued in doing the best I could. Conference weekend came and I knew that the first two days would be hectic due to serving for creative competitions.
Throughout the weekend I realized that this is one of God’s major challenge/task/test for me especially being an MV right now. In a way, He allowed to experience a foretaste of what FTPW life could be, a life of sacrifice and joy. Sacrifice? I’d like to think that I sacrificed some thing. Joy? I admit that I, as a person, tend to dwell on things especially sad things/moments which sucks my joy out and I just display this emotion of sadness, unworthiness. This was also Jesus’ way of asking me, “ARVIN, DO YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN THESE, more than the comforts and the worldly pleasures?”
“The miracle is not that we do this work, but that we are happy to do it.” – Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
There was definitely joy serving but I know that it wasn’t 100% joy, or at least 100% “voluntary” joy (sometimes I had to force myself because I don’t want to pass on this aura of sadness to others, though I’m pretty sure others felt it). I’m sure that I didn’t fully achieve this major task God had given me. Whether He’s calling me to FTPW or other things, it’s really time for me to discern more, to PRAY (PRAY PRAY) more because serving without joy is definitely not what God wants.
Despite of all of this, The Lord reminded me again of His love most especially through the other CFCY I met and got to serve with (special S/O to PAC bros and sis), through familiar faces, through affirmations of why I am in this community (e.g. a Priest, who used to be a CFCY, did talk 1 and he shared about how CFCY led him to his current vocation) and of course the beauty of California.
It was bittersweet to leave California but I know that Lord has purpose for bringing me there. He wanted me to rekindle of how His love revolved around my life and that it’s my turn to show my “love revolution” to Him.
