Somewhere down the road, I had hardened my heart. I had always deeply cared for marginalized populations, and upon my graduating year of university, I decided that I wanted to serve them somehow. Whether it be the homeless, at-risk, criminalized or addicted, I wanted to work with and for them. But along the way… my heart had hardened. I can’t pick out the exact point when this happened, but when I did end up getting a job as a Frontline Worker for a Non-Profit Organization here in Ottawa, it became increasingly clear that it was nowhere near the way I had idealized in my mind.
The first program I had worked for was great, with kind and smiling tenants. I learned a lot there and loved it quite a bit. (http://truenorthblog.couplesforchrist.ca/invisible-crosses/)
However, after a few months, I began training for a new program, one in which I received far more shifts, while my shifts at the first place decreased. I had come to this new program unprepared for what I would face. There were women who formed hard shells because of their difficult pasts, which hardened further because of their current circumstances. They had faced all sorts of abuse throughout their lives, and many of whom are also taking/addicted to hard drugs and are street entrenched. With an undergrad in Psychology and only research under my belt, I had come unequipped to help these women; with personalities like tough leather, who swore, yelled and oftentimes ignored me. It was hard for me to find joy in the work I did while I was washing away vomit from the back porch, picking up needles from the washroom floor, and trying to calm myself down after calling the police. (http://truenorthblog.couplesforchrist.ca/sent/)
A few months after, I started working for the government full-time, a quiet desk job, and I stopped showing up at my other work. But somehow… I had changed.
There are times when I would be acutely aware of this change within me. In fact, I went to conference hoping that God would give me back what I had somehow lost. Please return to me my love for the poor. I had left with different prayers answered, and what’s more, I moved to a larger city, with an even larger homeless population.
Last Wednesday, I decided to run some errands before my bestfriend came down to visit me for a few days. I walked by the cornerstore where a man stood; one that I’ve never seen before. He was heavy-set with scruffy hair and a cane. I couldn’t see his face, but then again, I wouldn’t have anyway since I tried to walk quickly by while looking at the ground opposite to where he had stood.
I dropped by the Dollarama down the street and picked up some hand soap and a small rug for boots, among other things. With my arms full, I made my way to the register and one person ahead of me stood the man from earlier. I watched as he looked at the chips in his hands and put it back. I watched as he dropped his cane and no one helped him get it, not even me. I watched him count out his dimes and nickels to buy the juice and halls. I was a coward, and I did nothing but watch. When my turn at the register came, I added the chips to my bill, hoping that I would see that man again tomorrow and give it to him. As I was walking out the side door I thought better of it and tried to look for him, to no avail. When I couldn’t find him, somehow I wanted to weep, not because of what had happened, but because for the first time, I saw myself for what I had become… I had seen Jesus. I saw him and instead of looking at his eyes and offering a smile, I had actively ignored him. I saw Him and was too much of a coward to do anything, pre-occupied with the load I had in my own arms. I saw Jesus, and did nothing. And as I stood there, seeing and acknowledging this ugliness and selfishness within me, I felt my heart begin beating again. In a way, the scales from my eyes fell.
In this time of Advent, may we truly seek to understand what it means to give love, especially to those who really are in need of it. May we do acts of charity and kindness out of love for our neighbour and be willing to spread the joy within our hearts.
“Our works of charity are nothing but the over-flow of our love of God from within.” -Blessed Mother Teresa
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